Rainy Off Day Mailbag

Is it raining in Queens today? I dunno, but it's raining here in the UK. Again. And again, etc. Like Pittsburgh, maybe.

Nobody will be playing two in this fucking weather...

But seeing as how the Army itself has been in some serious neglect when it comes to regular updates on the ups and downs of the Mets, I thought it would be appropriate to open the mailbag for a change and actually answer readers' questions.

Why have you been skiving off the Mets reports most games? Have you lost interest? Have you switched allegiances? Too busy watching bloody rugby and Indian billionaire league cricket matches until the wee hours of the morning?--Concerned in Barnstaple

I waiting for a curtain call after every article and if I don't get it, well, I'll probably strike out with the bases loaded...

Bearing in mind the excitement the trade generated, do you think Johan Santana's performance so far this season has disappointed, inspired or simply been adequate?--Viktor Rice, 11th St East.

Viktor, there is little doubt few Mets have had such a large weight of expectation on their shoulders before they'd even played a game in a Mets uniform but bearing in mind he's still hitting 26 points higher than Carlos Delgado this season with a massively higher slugging percentage, I'd say the season is a success to date.

Who says it's always about baseball??

Which surprises you most so far, that Billy Wagner hasn't surrendered a run all season yet or that Aaron Heilman has given up so many?
--Gavin McLoud, NYC

It doesn't surprise me that Wagner has a run-less streak so far this season, he hasn't pitched in any pressure games yet. And it doesn't surprise me that Heilman continues to be the worst arm in the bullpen because you see, if Heilman were pitching scoreless outings every night, Wagner would be blowing them anyway so you see it's one or the other, never both.

Why hasn't the rediscovery of his perma-smile sorted out Jose Reyes' batting woes as fully as was originally hyped after his little chat with Carlos Beltran? - Ursula Pindrop, Westchester

Wow, Ursula, your cynicism and impatience is to be commended. Reyes has 3 hits in his last 30 at-bats and whilst initially, flashing his teeth and showing off his secret handshakes had a mild impact, the fact that he's hitting only .210 off right handed pitchers means that he should only smile out of the left side of his face.

I've noticed you're crap at putting up timely game summaries so far this season and give yourself stoopid DL comparisons like El Duque and Pedro and Moises. Why don't you just write about the games and leave the excuses to the professionals?-- Prisoner X, Laredo

Because in reality, my failure to quickly summarise Mets games this season really IS like a professional, aging Hispanic athlete struggling again and again with health issues which are primarily owed to being too bloody old to play. In my case, senility, alcoholism, a fevered gigging schedule, increased inability to stay up until the wee hours of the morning listening live and a rubbish wireless connection have rendered me, if not equal to these Met greats who are forced to succumb to reality, at least capable of being mentioned in the same paragraph on the Ultimate Scale of 2008 Disappointments.

Has Willie passed the grade yet? Does he deserve to be fired BEFORE or AFTER the All Star break? -- Mario B., Loisada

It's not Willie's fault that Delgado can't hit his weight, Beltran is once again tied for the team lead in strikeouts and unproductive clutch at-bats, Reyes is rubbish and Alou hasn't played a game all season. The batting order is shite, there's no two ways about it and the fact that Ryan Church has the highest batting average amongst the starters is telling. But the starting pitching and most of the bullpen have been pleasantly better than expected so it's an even trade off in a way. Bearing in mind the Marlins are leading the NL East, I don't think it's time to push the panic button just yet.

Is this still Archie Bunker's Army or is it now like Archie Bunkers Weekend Reservist Army? I mean jaysus, how about some Mets reports that are two weeks after the fact?--Alice, Sunset Strip

It's more like the Archie Bunker Quagmire Army so far this season, Alice. But have faith. Once the English Premiership has ended in a few weeks, I will unleash the full capabilities of my journalistic powers.

What ever happened to Endy Chavez?
Monty McPherson, Philly.

All you need to know is that even Carlos Delgado is out-hitting him. That's like losing a beauty contest to...well, you do the maths...

Who is the team MVP thus far this season? Cheyenne Ching, Bayside

I hate to say it after bashing his trade all off-season but given the paucity of legitimate candidates, Ryan Church, by default.

Do you have a favourite quote so far this season from a Met? Gaspard D., White Plains

Well, she is more a Bermudan idol than a Met but Larrita Adderley's shocking candor; "This may be a blessing in disguise — presumably more Bermudians will have time to plan for the second Bermuda Night and be a part of this exciting partnership..." when her singing of the National Anthem at Shea was cancelled due to scheduling eff ups, was quite impressive more for her interpretation of Burmudan support of the Mets than it was for her smooth and sophisticated acceptance of being bumped for some muppet from the cast of Hairspray. Well done, Larrita.

Why do you write nothing when the Mets are playing a big series, like say against the Braves or the Phillies but when they aren't even effin playing a game, you've got like, pages and pages of idiotic reader mail to slog through?--Karl Kinderspiel, Glastonbury

It's called irony, Karl. And a big boot of it is coming up your arse in a moment if the proper respet ent forthcoming from you, matey.

How does Moises Alou get injured even whilst he's on the DL? Is it time to shoot him like an old horse or should we wait until September when the trio of Los Amigos Incapables all make their respect and miraculous comebacks in time for the Mets to snatch the NL East from the clutches of their most hated rivals? - Michael S., Chicago

Because when you're 40 going on 400, Michael, the slightest gust of wind can ruin your season. I think he'll be better off marketing the Moises Alou urinal cakes...

Does your half-assed coverage of the Mets' season so far to date symbolize your growing apathy for the Mets and their plight? Tray Buffonegro

The way I see it Tray, I've dedicated the last three or four years to covering most Mets games regardless of the insomnia it has induced due to the time differences and the Mets haven't won the World Series yet so this season I thought I'd try a little reverse psychology and like, cover them in what you call your half-assed way and see if this doesn't automatically lead to a World Championship. I do believe this is the power my blog holds over the Mets' season and invite you do acknowledge the same.

Is Delgado an ingrate or a hero for ignoring Shea's cry for a curtain call after his second homer the other night? Sheila E., Minneapolis.

Look, Lastings Milledge leapt into the stands at the behest of an overzealous Shea crowd and look where it got HIM. Should Carlos be grateful he isn't pelted with batteries every time he takes the field? In a perfect world, no. I think it would have been money if he'd stepped out of the dugout, took a microphone off the PA man and boo'd the Shea crowd. I dunno, I'm still bitter about that time he signed with the Marlins as a free agent and said it was because they had the best chance to win the World Series but not as bitter as Carlos. The timing wasn't "appropriate" indeed. These stupid fans. How dare they show a modicum of even-handedness. Or perhaps it was just sarcasm.

Two part question Mr Bunker, firstly, can someone explain to me how Chipper Jones could get back spasms from putting his jersey on? And secondly, would the Mets lose every game they played if they were facing minor league pitchers with stupid names like Jair Jurrjens all season? And what's Jair's parents' obsession with J anyway. Is this some sort of Roger Clemens tribute? Ok, I'll hang up now and listen...--Fat Sid, Astoria

Well Fat Sid, that's really three questions, but they all qualify. Yes, the unwritten rule of Douchebaginess is that you can get back spasms doing all sorts of things, like getting dressed, talking to reporters, naming your children after baseball stadiums. Secondly, yes, the Mets would lose every game they played against unknown, untalented pitchers who morph into Cy Young when they face the Mets and lastly, seeing as how his middle name is Francoise so there is no clear obsession with the letter J. In addition it would behoove you to note that he is a member of the Dutch National Baseball team and J isn't such a bad letter it turns out so watch your step, Fat Sid, or I might take your cheeseburgers away. And by the way, don't forget about John Lannan for gawd's sake.

Dear ABA, who is leading the race for LFM this season (Least Favourite Met)
--S Schoeneweiss

It's far too early to tell. However if you ask me who is doing the LEAST for the Mets so far this season, I dunno, Moises Alou, El Duque, Carlos Delgado, Aaron Heilman...the list seems endless.

For now, I'll close the little mail bag up, seal it up nice and tight and prepare myself for the possibility the game won't get rained out again tonight...


Anna Benson said...

why didn't you answer any of the thousands of postcards I sent to your mailbag? You answer all these other idiots' questions and then you ignore mine! What's wrong with you? Have you got something against me? Is this some form of thinly veiled sexism?

Jaap said...

because I usually don't accept postcards which are written in monkey excrement. They are very difficult to read...try a fucking ball point pen next time!

Itsmetsforme said...

holy crap, another internet innovation! the completely fabricated mailbag. Let's face it, real readers are an inconvenience when they step between us and the truth. Hilarious.

With it's gratuitous t and a, and cheap laughs, the Army threatens to replace television as we know it. Through in some violence, and this could catch on big in America.

Jaap said...

indeed, IMFM, perhaps I will unveil my full catalogue of birds with bazookas photos amd slowly introduce them along with the sexy serial killers photographs to finally gain full control of the American baseball/sex/violence market!

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