Archie Bunker's Army

Yeah, I'll admit it. After the Mets won their 5th in a row, battering the Rockies by a 7-0 margin with a lineup that included the likes of not only Alex Cora but Angel Pagan , Scott Sullivan AND Angel Berroa , I allowed myself a modicum of optimism. Flawless, for a start. I started getting so drunk with optimism that I'll admit again, I thought gee, maybe now D'oh!-Mar could finish his apologies in time to find a brain in Oz and figure out a way to dupe Indians GM Mark Shapiro into taking F-Mart , Bobby Parnell , Omir Santos and a combination of nobodies who will never amount to nothing for V-Mart . Angel Prays To The Ump For one because I want to see the back of F-Mart as soon as possible. If he has any value left now that his 5-tool myth and his flower-like fragility have been exposed once and for all, that is. And for the other because after looking at the batting order Thursday afternoon it's painfully apparent, even if they can somehow manage a 5-run outbur...

Well, after a fortnight off I returned to these Mets tonight in the midst of an improbable three game winning streak, a former Mets Killah, Jeff Francoeur in a Mets uniform, the sacking of Mets assistant GM Tony Bernazard , public apologies from The Wilpons not, as one might expect for the dysfunctional mismanagement of the Mets rather for outbursts from Omar . No less controversy, no fewer problems. Same auld Mets. not sorry for Idiotic Management .327 with 14 RBI in 12 games since joining the Mets (while Church malingering for the Braves) Super Douche Egomaniac finally gone Super Douche Senior may have a hard time bullshitting his way out of the latest controversy Crikey, if these Mets aren't any good, walking wounded, fundamentally unsound all season long, mismanaged, misowned and crippled by poor planning and a mediocre farm system, these Mets certainly are interesting. Starting this evening, the incomparable Cory Sullivan in left field with Gary Sheffield on the involun...

Ok, so much for the myth that the Phillies suck at home. They just hadn't played the Mets yet. When my MLBTV phizzed out for the ten millionth time already this season in the second inning with the Mets already down by an insurmountable 1-0 margin, I decided, c'est tout pour moi maintenant . So, for the next fortnight, au revoir les Mets, au revoir MLBTV, two of the season's biggest disappointments before the All-Star break. I'm off to Paris yet again to scout new talent for the Mets. Hopefully they will find some of their own in the interim but this team, as it is currently, is unwatchable, just like MLBTV. A la prochain!

"Well, you know Ollie," manager Jerry Manuel said. "Ollie is not a command guy, so to speak. He is a guy that has control, but not necessarily command." We interrupt a second consecutive humiliating loss to the Phillies to bring you the exciting news that one loser ( Tim Redding ) is going to be replaced in the starting rotation by one of the more epic losers in recent Mets history, the Jorge Julio of Mets starters, none other than Oliver Perez . Go ahead and laugh. Laugh out loud. Slap your knee, roll on the floor, hold your side, let your teeth fall out you laugh so hard. And on 4th of July, the Mets caused more anguish and emotional upset. Not more than ever before, my god, those days have long passed; this is a terminal patient you're now just waiting would die already so you can get on with your life, these Mets. Yesterday, another defensive debauchery perfectly emblematic of why this team, injuries or not, is going nowhere fast. You could make the argu...

You know, at one point, I dunno, when it was 7-0 or so, I thought fuck, maybe they can lose by more than they lost to the Yankees. I mean why not, it's our second biggest rival, right? You know what's best about getting crushed by your arch rivals? You don't have to watch two games at once to calculate out how far behind you've fallen in the standings. Did you see how the Mets failed to cover 2nd base allowing Jimmy Rollins of all people, get there untouched in the 3rd inning after he'd driven those runs home? Sound fundamental baseball those Mets play for us. Fernando Tatis , second baseman, wandering out there like he was lost in the desert. Perhaps we won't even talk about the 8th, dropped balls, ignored balls, what's the difference? The Mets already knew they were going to lose by then. Livan did a spot-on imitation of Tim Redding last night. As for the ugliness of the game itself, wow Livan . Seven runs, 10 hits and four walks in a little more...

Try as they might, the Mets simply couldn't give this game away but perhaps that's what happens when you meet your Triple AAA match in a Major League game. Capps could certainly dunk on Tatis, if it ever came up... Tim Redding , the post-modern Ollie Perez , was absolute rubbish yesterday, an embarrassment to all pitchers, worldwide, lasting only one out into the third inning before giving way to the likes of Nowhereman Misch after nearly blowing the game early, 5 earned runs, 6 hits, two walks and a hit batsman as the Mets fell behind by what in most Met games is an insurmountable 5-0 margin. It's raining Met victories all the sudden, two in a row... I don't know about the rest of you but it was about then I was torn between vomiting in disgust and finishing construction of my Tim Redding Urinal Cakes . But lo and behold, these Pirates, they are determined to stink worse than the Mets and even against a marginal lineup with a semi-pro batting order feel to it, their p...

It had to happen sometime. Surely the Mets couldn't lose every game they played the rest of the season. Not even with that pathetic lineup they roll out every night. The New Mets Beefcake And with Big Pelf pitching like he never had before, all the of the sudden the Brewers were beatable. The big play came in the 7th when Prince Fielder , in his Manny Ramirez baggy, oversized clown uniform ran himself out of the inning - it was almost certain after he was balked over by Pelf that Pelf would immediately see his composure meltdown but a brainy play by David Wright to allow a sure sacrifice bunt roll foul, followed by the pick off of Fielder was a rare moment of Mets competence. Savour it, you might not see such action again for a long while. Wright, by the way, three exceptionally pathetic flailing strikeouts (two with a man in scoring position) and a weak grounder to go along with another one of his patented "Oh I'll just throw it somewhere in the vicinity of first base...

Let's see, Mets ace Johan Santana against uh, Mike Burns , a guy who had NEVER won a game in the Major Leagues. You're not going to get a much more one-sided pitching match up than that. And to make matters look even more like a laughter, David Wright hit a two-run homer in the first to give Santana all the cushion he'd need. Yes, Johan. Sadly, it's STILL the Mets you are pitching for... And yet even still, it wasn't enough for the Mets. Not even close. You could blame all sorts of people, if you could work your way far enough out of the apathetic malaise to bring yourself to care any more. Martinez's swan dive in the 4th was almost worth the price of the ticket alone. Not content with making an out every time he comes to the plate, Fernando Martinez performed a little Daniel Murphy-rodeo clown skit in center field in the 4th inning, falling over his own feet, face-first and letting an easy fly ball land safely over his head. The fourth inning was filled...