Welcome Back To Reality, Winning Streak Ends In DH Split

Yeah, I'll admit it. After the Mets won their 5th in a row, battering the Rockies by a 7-0 margin with a lineup that included the likes of not only Alex Cora but Angel Pagan, Scott Sullivan AND Angel Berroa, I allowed myself a modicum of optimism.

Flawless, for a start.

I started getting so drunk with optimism that I'll admit again, I thought gee, maybe now D'oh!-Mar could finish his apologies in time to find a brain in Oz and figure out a way to dupe Indians GM Mark Shapiro into taking F-Mart, Bobby Parnell, Omir Santos and a combination of nobodies who will never amount to nothing for V-Mart.

Angel Prays To The Ump

For one because I want to see the back of F-Mart as soon as possible. If he has any value left now that his 5-tool myth and his flower-like fragility have been exposed once and for all, that is. And for the other because after looking at the batting order Thursday afternoon it's painfully apparent, even if they can somehow manage a 5-run outburst in one inning, that the batting order as current twig-hitters Jerry currently has to choose from, would struggle against Triple AAA pitching let alone MLB pitching in the heat of a wild-card race. They NEED V-Mart like, to quote America, a flower needs the rain. (Yes, I know, nauseating, sickening, you're all retching and puking now at the mere mention of America but it could have been much, much worse, I could have looked for a Bread song to quote, so be grateful, like the Mets, that you've still got David Wright standing, the last regular Met superstar to survive this season even if he will likely reach 100 Ks before he reaches 400 ABs)

Anyway, this has all gone terribly off track. What I meant to say, simply, was that after the 7-0 victory, run support for Santana, Scott Sullivan hitting an RBI single for crissakes, miracle of miracles and even Tim Redding throwing a scoreless inning, so pathetic are these Rockies, that I thought for the splittest of seconds, well, why NOT the Mets going on some absurdist 14 game winning streak into August and inching closer to the top of the Wild Card standings.

And I say Wild Card standings because we all know realistically the Phillies are NOT the Mets and are not going to blow a 10 1/2 game lead, even with two months remaining and especially because four Blue Claws helped them land Cliff Lee - (now there would be the title to a great Phillies Pholk Song if you were a Phillies Phan and you had more than say, two braincells and actually knew how to write and didn't regard a pen as a weapon to stab people with in 7-11 hold-ups...)

Anyway, forget I mentioned anything.

Because more predictable even than Big Papi on drugs, the Mets couldn't finish off the Rockies and the sweep.

(For five innings, money but thereafter, just trying to avoid disaster - you think it was just fatigue or can this guy become trade bait before it's too late?)

They couldn't finish them off even though F-Tat (yes, everyone's bloody name is going to get little military abbreviations from now on because it's the new fad) made that great diving catch in the 7th and then homered in the bottom of the inning for emphasis. They couldn't finish them off even after holding those meagre Rockies scoreless for 27 innings. (27 scoreless innings, isn't that something you'd expect from the Mets? But then again, the Rockies batting order is built much like the Mets'; one MLB hitter and a long stretch of banjo hitters, career .242 hitters, that sort...)

What's worse than getting on base rarely only to gaffe on the base paths once you get there?

Maybe they should be sellers instead of buyers after all, unless Mr Masochist, you believe the one loss is the aberration rather than the five game winning streak.

Or perhaps you're just delusional with excitement now that you've had a chance to download the Arctic Monkeys new CD.

Who knows?

But whatever it is, enjoy the memory of that five game winning streak because it's probably the last realistic moment of pleasure you will have this season.

You can start thinking about 2010 when D'oh-Mar signs Delgado and Hillbilly Wagner to a three year extension because they both made it back before the end of the season. (Isn't it mad that Wagner is going to make it back to the Mets before ANY of the others?)

Oh but for a month of Colorado Rockies.

But wake up, cherry. D'oh-Mar is too engaged in battling his personal stupidities to make a trade and the Mets will close out July hosting the D'backs. Not exactly the recipe to success we were looking for.

And before I forget, just one more thing: can the Mets take down that stupid "Inaugural Season" wall paper on their fucking MLB website already? It's nothing to be proud of. Not that it ever was, but at least, even in the face of one front office cock up after another after another, even Shitty Field starts to look almost normal by comparison. Don't forget to vote - you will note "in tatters" is now the most popular conclusion to the "How Will The Mets Season End?" poll.

Way to go, Mets.


Don't Look Now But That's Four In A Row

Well, after a fortnight off I returned to these Mets tonight in the midst of an improbable three game winning streak, a former Mets Killah, Jeff Francoeur in a Mets uniform, the sacking of Mets assistant GM Tony Bernazard, public apologies from The Wilpons not, as one might expect for the dysfunctional mismanagement of the Mets rather for outbursts from Omar. No less controversy, no fewer problems. Same auld Mets.

not sorry for Idiotic Management.327 with 14 RBI in 12 games since joining the Mets (while Church malingering for the Braves)Super Douche Egomaniac finally goneSuper Douche Senior may have a hard time bullshitting his way out of the latest controversy

Crikey, if these Mets aren't any good, walking wounded, fundamentally unsound all season long, mismanaged, misowned and crippled by poor planning and a mediocre farm system, these Mets certainly are interesting.

Starting this evening, the incomparable Cory Sullivan in left field with Gary Sheffield on the involuntary disabled list right after declaring himself ready to play and the invisible Jeremy Reed lost forever somewhere on the bench. Leading off and in center field, Angel Pagan has returned from the DL with his stoic and unimpressive .283 on base average while Luis Castillo hitting over .400 in July, bats second.

And of course, Sheffield, Beltran, Reyes and Delgado all still on the DL, crippling the Mets batting order.

And in case you are interested, the betting odds for each crippled Met to return this season.

As for tonight's game, with their fragile three game winning streak and the Mets clinging to a 3-0, Big Pelf induced Barmes to pop up with the bases loaded two innings in a row allowing the Mets to go into the bottom of the 6th with a lead developed by uncharacteristically good situational hitting.

You had to like Pelf's desire to go out into the 7th despite two straight innings of near-disaster and 104 pitches under his belt but would you recognise the wisdom in Jerry allowing him to? By the 115th pitch, Feliciano was being summoned from the pen with a man on second and one out.

And just like that, 9 outs later after nearly two full innings of brilliant relief by Feliciano and another by Sean Green to add insult to injury, the Mets were 4-0 victors, their 4th win in a row. Before you go start thinking that's a big accomplishment, even for the Mets, don't forget firstly that the Phillies too have won four in a row meaning the Mets haven't decreased that 10 1/2 game lead one bit but so too have the Washington Nationals, after knocking down the Brewers again. Given that the Rockies lead the NL Wildcard race, the only realistic prayer the Mets have to the post season, that margin has been reduced to a "mere" five and a half games.

And to think, SI had the Mets winning it all.


Swept By Phillies

Ok, so much for the myth that the Phillies suck at home. They just hadn't played the Mets yet.

When my MLBTV phizzed out for the ten millionth time already this season in the second inning with the Mets already down by an insurmountable 1-0 margin, I decided, c'est tout pour moi maintenant.

So, for the next fortnight, au revoir les Mets, au revoir MLBTV, two of the season's biggest disappointments before the All-Star break.

I'm off to Paris yet again to scout new talent for the Mets. Hopefully they will find some of their own in the interim but this team, as it is currently, is unwatchable, just like MLBTV.

A la prochain!


If You Think This Is Bad, Just Wait 'Til Ollie Arrives

"Well, you know Ollie," manager Jerry Manuel said. "Ollie is not a command guy, so to speak. He is a guy that has control, but not necessarily command."

We interrupt a second consecutive humiliating loss to the Phillies to bring you the exciting news that one loser (Tim Redding) is going to be replaced in the starting rotation by one of the more epic losers in recent Mets history, the Jorge Julio of Mets starters, none other than Oliver Perez.

Go ahead and laugh. Laugh out loud. Slap your knee, roll on the floor, hold your side, let your teeth fall out you laugh so hard.

And on 4th of July, the Mets caused more anguish and emotional upset. Not more than ever before, my god, those days have long passed; this is a terminal patient you're now just waiting would die already so you can get on with your life, these Mets.

Yesterday, another defensive debauchery perfectly emblematic of why this team, injuries or not, is going nowhere fast.

You could make the argument, if say, you were the manager and you had no other explanation to save your job, point out that these guys, most of them, are playing out of position because of all the injuries.

But you'd be lying because we aren't talking about being a superstar, we're talking about catching simply fucking pop ups. And since we're being truthful, how was David Wright playing out of position?

The season has again turned another surreal corner, one of many to follow until, as you will certainly see, interest wanes and people simply stop paying attention to the Mets.

And by then of course, the relief will be only in the absence of that pain, no longer having to watch this pathetic collective.


Mercy Killing

You know, at one point, I dunno, when it was 7-0 or so, I thought fuck, maybe they can lose by more than they lost to the Yankees. I mean why not, it's our second biggest rival, right?

You know what's best about getting crushed by your arch rivals? You don't have to watch two games at once to calculate out how far behind you've fallen in the standings.

Did you see how the Mets failed to cover 2nd base allowing Jimmy Rollins of all people, get there untouched in the 3rd inning after he'd driven those runs home? Sound fundamental baseball those Mets play for us. Fernando Tatis, second baseman, wandering out there like he was lost in the desert.

Perhaps we won't even talk about the 8th, dropped balls, ignored balls, what's the difference? The Mets already knew they were going to lose by then.

Livan did a spot-on imitation of Tim Redding last night.

As for the ugliness of the game itself, wow Livan. Seven runs, 10 hits and four walks in a little more than three innings out there. (I was going to say, a little more than three innings of work out there but is pitching batting practice really considered work?)

Yeah, go out there and get them tomorrow, lads.


Mets Killah? Why, who isn't?

Didn't you just KNOW before this game not only that the Phillies would turn around their incredibly shitty home record against the Mets but that Rollins, who has hit so poorly this season you'd think he was auditioning for a slot in the Mets batting order, was surely going to find his stride against the Mets as well? Sure enough, the Mets cured him with two hits and two RBIs.

David Wright, on the other hand, 0 for 4, two strikeouts.

And Rodrigo Lopez, a guy getting his first start in the Majors this season turns into Cy Young.

All you can really do is keep the puke bucket close to your telly and wait for the misery to end.


Pirates Out-Met Mets For Ineptitude

Try as they might, the Mets simply couldn't give this game away but perhaps that's what happens when you meet your Triple AAA match in a Major League game.

Capps could certainly dunk on Tatis, if it ever came up...

Tim Redding, the post-modern Ollie Perez, was absolute rubbish yesterday, an embarrassment to all pitchers, worldwide, lasting only one out into the third inning before giving way to the likes of Nowhereman Misch after nearly blowing the game early, 5 earned runs, 6 hits, two walks and a hit batsman as the Mets fell behind by what in most Met games is an insurmountable 5-0 margin.

It's raining Met victories all the sudden, two in a row...

I don't know about the rest of you but it was about then I was torn between vomiting in disgust and finishing construction of my Tim Redding Urinal Cakes.

But lo and behold, these Pirates, they are determined to stink worse than the Mets and even against a marginal lineup with a semi-pro batting order feel to it, their pitching managed to surrender that lead over the course of the 4th and 5th innings, punctuated in a way, by Murph's improbable pinch hit, two-run double to raise his batting average ALL the way up to .245. Simply dizzying. By the 7th, the Mets were actually WINNING by 3 runs.

Of course, not to be outdone, after three impressive shut out innings of relief, Pedro Feliciano managed to give one of those runs back before Sean Green of all people turned off the faucets to lead the red carpet glory way to Frankie Boy.

Now Frankie Boy, to be fair, hasn't had much to do lately. Over the last 9 days he's seen action only 3 times and if there's any closer who needs work and lots of it to stay warm, it's Frankie Boy. Still, blowing a two-run lead to the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 9th borders on criminal negligence and for the second time in one game, it felt near certain that the Mets were going to lose yet again.

But the incompetence of the Pirates came to the rescue again, as Matt Capps retired the first two Mets (oh, a strikeout by David Wright when it matters - shocking) before mysteriously hitting the Human Bullseye, Fernando Tatis who was then allowed to steal second so Ryan Church could drive in the winning run.

The anti-Wright, drives the winner home...

That's 10 hits in his last 18 at bats for Mr Church who could show David Wright a thing or two about hitting in the clutch.

And then Frankie Boy, out to redeem himself, set them down 1-2-3 in the 10th, 48 pitches later, the victory, by default to the Mets.


In anticipation of nightmares in Philly, here is the Mets All-Nightmare Team. My only quibble is that Rey Ordonez didn't make it as starting shortstop.

And of course, not to be missed: The Metsterpiece Theatre, best show on earth:


What's This? A Victory??!!

It had to happen sometime.

Surely the Mets couldn't lose every game they played the rest of the season. Not even with that pathetic lineup they roll out every night.

The New Mets Beefcake

And with Big Pelf pitching like he never had before, all the of the sudden the Brewers were beatable.

The big play came in the 7th when Prince Fielder, in his Manny Ramirez baggy, oversized clown uniform ran himself out of the inning - it was almost certain after he was balked over by Pelf that Pelf would immediately see his composure meltdown but a brainy play by David Wright to allow a sure sacrifice bunt roll foul, followed by the pick off of Fielder was a rare moment of Mets competence. Savour it, you might not see such action again for a long while.

Wright, by the way, three exceptionally pathetic flailing strikeouts (two with a man in scoring position) and a weak grounder to go along with another one of his patented "Oh I'll just throw it somewhere in the vicinity of first base but not actually TO first base" throwing errors he's so fond of didn't quite merit Man of the Match honours but let's face it, allowing that bunt to roll foul was the one of the smartest plays he's made all season.

Pelf of course, after pitching by far his best game of the season, left the game after 107 pitches and runners on first and second with two out for the dubious Sidewinder Sean.

Much like the 4th inning, when the Brewers had two men on and none out, you could sense the game, in typical Mets fashion would get away from them. You might have wondered why Jerry didn't have Frankie Boy up and ready to go to get the last four outs. But in the end, there was no need to second guess. Sidewinder Sean prevailed. Now you KNOW this wasn't a normal day.

And after all that, Frankie Boy earned his 21st save of the season and the Mets had a nice and neat little 1-0 victory to take with them for their inevitable beating in Pittsburgh tomorrow.

So after five straight days of hair-pulling hell, the Mets finally get a result. Let's hope we don't have to wait until after leaving Philly to see another.

And maybe Jerry should starting holding meetings every night.

Treading Water? No, These Mets Have Already Drowned

Let's see, Mets ace Johan Santana against uh, Mike Burns, a guy who had NEVER won a game in the Major Leagues. You're not going to get a much more one-sided pitching match up than that. And to make matters look even more like a laughter, David Wright hit a two-run homer in the first to give Santana all the cushion he'd need.

Yes, Johan. Sadly, it's STILL the Mets you are pitching for...

And yet even still, it wasn't enough for the Mets. Not even close.

You could blame all sorts of people, if you could work your way far enough out of the apathetic malaise to bring yourself to care any more.

Martinez's swan dive in the 4th was almost worth the price of the ticket alone.

Not content with making an out every time he comes to the plate, Fernando Martinez performed a little Daniel Murphy-rodeo clown skit in center field in the 4th inning, falling over his own feet, face-first and letting an easy fly ball land safely over his head.

The fourth inning was filled with comedy, in fact.

After the Martinez debacle, the ever-incompetent Jim Wolf continued to baffle with his absurdist strike zone which saw Santana walk his second batter of the inning before Dan Warthen came out to argue balls and strikes and get tossed from the game on the premise of visiting Santana.

And THEN, as if the inning itself wasn't already maddening enough, Ryan Braun smacked a double over Gary Sheffield's head in left, the relay throw to home skipped past Omir into Santana's waiting glove (who had smartly backed up home plate) but then threw the ball past over Wright's head at third trying to throw out Braun gunning a triple and before you knew it, the 2-1 lead had evaporated into a 5-2 deficit.

The Mets don't just lose games, they fart them up until the smell becomes so unbearable everyone bearing witness is left gagging and puking.

That's where we are today; Mets fans leaving in droves, puking and gagging listening to the sweet sounds of silence from Omar Minaya's office. And I don't care what few prospects the Mets have left or who doesn't want to spend more money, sitting on your hands whilst the Mets season is decimated is simple negligence. If the front office doesn't care any more, what makes any one in their right mind think Mets fans will either?

And if conceding game after game wasn't enough, Jerry says on Wednesday he's going to rest Wright and Sheff, the only two Major Leaguers left in the batting order, in order to field a team against the Brewers that would struggle against a High School team.

Anyone as excited as me for tomorrow?