Congratulations Metsies...You've Put Me Off Of Baseball

Now dying, now dead.

I love the altruism of supporting losers. I really do.

But that's the beauty of altruisms of others. It can be appreciated from afar.

So that's where I will appreciate the Metsies from henceforth.


Very afar.

So far I won't even hear the baseball scores any more.


The Best Thing About Spring Training? No Room For Hope

I can't imagine people applying for season tickets to see the Mets this year. Not unless they're looking for a rerun of last season tragicomedy.

I can't even imagine stumping up a few American dollars for the MLB.com dodgy video feeds this year. I mean I'll probably break down and do it but at this point, I still can't imagine it. It'll probably happen in a drunken stupor, waxing nostalgic about some sort of nihilistic wonder and inner delusion chancre.

But we have to give the Mets credit. They did, in essence, nothing to make us think 2010 would be any better than 2009's nightmare.

They got Jason Bay, true. But that was the bare minimum requirement. That and waving good riddance to Carlos Delgado. Replaced by the magical middle of the road nobodies, Dan Murphy and Mike Jacobs. Be still my bitter heart. That pair are hitting a combined 17 for 80 or an emblematic .212. Good thing it doesn't count. Yet.

They signed no one else of any significance to bolster a dead rotation or an enfeebled bullpen.

And good thing they didn't because even before Ollie's abysmal outing today, the starting rotation, including both fifth starter burnouts, had a 6.47 ERA and a combined 2-7 record.

Standing pat is almost as good as standing on your head and imagining the change that falls out of your pockets is someone else's money.

Bullpen? No 8th inning guy to get to the star closer. And does it matter? Does anyone think that K-Rod is going to have more than a dozen chances to save a game all season at this rate?

Yes, looking forward to the 2010 season. The Jets' 2010 season that is.


Mets Pre-Preview: Why I Won't Be Holding My Breath

It's pitchers and catchers soon.

Ironically, the Mets don't seem to have much of either and those that they do have are full of question marks; Puntos de InterogaciĆ³n Iniciales and Puntos de InterrogaciĆ³n Finales.

In other words, the off season was remarkably similar to the 2009 season; dollops of delusional, wishful thinking.

I think you definitely stand pat with last year's rotation. After all, Santana says he's better and we should always believe what the Mets organisation and willing athletes publically declare about their injuries. That means he'll probably win 30 games this season to avoid being thrown too far off track by last season's premature ending. Of course, he's a year older as well. And can we really believe his physical woes are over with a simple elbow surgery, bone chip removal surgery? His return has been almost too easy. You've got to wonder if the simple surgery was done to put off an inevitable, career-threatening surgery, especially considering he's a Met and that Mets physicians practice their trade playing that game, Operation.

Mets physicians table....

And Pelf, Maine and Oliver Perez?

Look, these are by and large, young guys. This trio combined for 20 wins last season. That's a nice round number for the meat of your rotation. Inspirational. Pelf has lost weight because weight apparently was the reason for all his failings, not his mental incapacities or dropping the mouth guard. So if you consider that he's young, that he probably pitched with sophomoric burnout most of last season you'll see that 10 wins can quite easily become 20 wins, especially with the 5.03 he sported last season. That's 50 wins just for the number one and number two starters. The entire team only won 70 games last year so we're looking at remarkable, tangible improvement and by god, the Mets management was right, there's no need to change anything about this rotation. This is the best rotation in baseball. If you're too senile to think straight or if your mind is already so rotted with drug and alcohol abuse.

As for Maine and Perez, these two combined for 10 wins. There's alot of room for improvement. For one, Perez was fat and injured most of the year and he's had surgery to remove scar tissue from his right knee so expect his win output to at least double from the 3 games he won last season. Or if we're crazy optimistic, we'll say 10 wins. On the other hand, he DIDN'T have any surgery to implant a brain or surgery that would prevent him from frequent bouts of inexplicable wildness so maybe optimism is not the way to lean here. I'll split the difference and say Ollie might be good for 5 wins this season. There will be at least 5 games in 2010 that make you say wow, what a great pitcher, why can't he do that all the time? That's just the way the Rollo Rolls.

Maine? Enigma. Is he healthy? Is he hurt? Probability over the course of his career says he'll be hurt. He's always hurt or recovering from being hurt. So you could say he'll pitch half his starts and win a third of those. Let's say 5 wins.

That's a total of 60 wins from the top four.


No End To The Riches: 36 year old Catalanotto now a Met

I like it when the word "intangibles" is the best word you can find to describe a new Mets signing. It makes my heart flutter with excitement.

Who needs Orlando Hudson when you've got intangibles?

I'm reminded of Donald Rumsfeld ruminations on the matter:

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."

Frank Catalanotto is one of those things we don't know we don't know and yet another reason, along with the signing of Fernando Tatis and Josh Fogg that we don't need to know what we don't know because we don't even know that we don't know it yet.

2010 Mets Promotional Poster can finally be revealed

I mean Frank Catalanotto could make a great bench coach for the Buffalo Bisons. Just think how valuable that could be to Buffalo and all the 40 year old Triple AAA detritus that will populate their roster in 2010.

Or maybe Luis Castillo will break his leg falling down the dugout steps in Florida during Spring Training and Frank Catalanotto will become the Mets starting second baseman for 2010.

You just don't know you don't know, do you?

The bigger question is how is Alex Cora going to sleep nights now knowing Frank Catalanotto is breathing down his neck?

Maybe Alex Cora was laughing quietly to himself while Jose Reyes was running his five 90 foot sprints and figuring well, Reyes' hamstrings have probably seen about as much action as they can take and its a matter of hours before he tears one of them stepping out of a cab and he takes his familiar place on the disabled list.

I mean think about it - the Mets could have Alex Cora AND Frank Catalanotto starting in the infield at the same time! If that doesn't strike fear into their NL East opponents, nothing will.

Well ok, maybe seeing Fogg emerging from the bullpen late in the 4th inning after Oliver Perez has walked in 6 runs and hit 8 batters will worry them. Fear the Fogg, that's what they used to say in Pittsburgh. I mean his nickname is "The Dragon Slayer" after all. It's true. You can look it up if you don't believe me.

Josh Fogg is comfortable with his secret life...

Of course, I don't know why he's called the Dragon Slayer. It could be some sexual euphemism for all I know. Surely with a lifetime ERA of 5.03 it's little to do with getting Major League batters out. But look, if he makes the team and if he's doing long relief chances are it won't really matter very often how he fares. And that's what makes these 2010 Mets so interesting.

If all else fails, they'll be the most intangible team in America.


Mets Sign Tatis - World Series Virtually Assured....

The key man to Major League Baseball's 2010 season has finally decided on which team is the lucky winner in the Fernando Tatis Sweepstakes.

After months of nail-biting competition, the NY Mets finally emerged as the victors, securing the signature of baseball's most coveted player and virtually guaranteeing their first World Series appearance since 2000.

YES! The man who can walk and somehow balance a batting helmet on his head at the same time is nearly a Met...


Intentional Sabotage Or Crazy Like A Fox?

One can only imagine, watching the parade of free agents either ignore the Mets or be ignored by the Mets, that there is an ongoing Free Agent Conspiracy meant to disable any early Spring hope Mets fans might be silly enough to feel inspired by as the doldrums of winter rattle on.

Give me happiness or...Give me Mets...

Granted, each free agent pitching pursuit came with his own set of problems. Ben Sheets is injury-prone. Randy Wolf was overpaid (3 years $30 million to the Brewers who are becoming the Mets of the Midwest having given Willie Randolph and Rick Peterson jobs), Joel Pineiro's name was too confusing too spell plus he wanted to get paid on the basis of a career year he's not likely to repeat (yes, before last season, his ERAs in the previous five seasons: 5.15, 4.33, 6.36, 5.62, 4.67...)

Then you had Jon Garland going to the Padres for pennies which was the signing the Mets are going to regret not making all season. Not that Garland is going to win the Cy Young but what was there about an innings-eater, a durable and reliable starter on the cheap not to like when you're promising a rotation of Johan Santana and a cast of supporting starters who struggle to reach the fifth inning most times out, if they aren't injuring their delicate frames, that is...

The 42 year old John Smoltz remains but he's not really an option. He's not even a white flag of surrender, which almost makes it certain the Mets won't sign him.

Welcome the New MR MET

Most front offices would prefer the pie-in-the-sky Fernando Nieve filling in that fifth slot in the rotation behind Maine and Pelf and Pray For Help as well as pretending it's only a matter of time before Oliver Perez starts to emulate Santana. I mean wouldn't they?

And there's always the argument that it isn't possible for Maine and Pelf and Perez to pitch worse or get injured more than they did in 2009 so there can only be improvement - in which case, why panic buy in a free agent market of over-priced nobodies and has-beens? In which case, you can almost see the point the Mets front office is making by making no point at all.

Yes, yes, I know - defending the Wilpons and Minaya's mockery of his job sounds mad. And it is.

The Princes of Chaos are pretty much number one on everyone's target list of shit hounds and horror stories but for a minute anyway, I'm going to see their crazy and raise them a straight jacket.

It's so crazy it just might work.

Of course it doesn't really explain trading away bullpen stability in Brian Stokes for Team Cancer Junior but look, Omar's off season is not successful unless he's bringing trouble or overpaying for it.

Two years ago it was Luis Castillo's absurdist re-signing at a financial cost so high he is now untradeable and will be lingering like the odour of a watery Mike Francesa beer fart long after Omar has been sacked. Last year it was giving Oliver Perez that completely whacked contract, bidding against himself as though he's subsidising broken down latino players to make up for bad MLB pensions.

And this year Jason Bay, despite a dodgy physical future and even dodgier fielding, was the one to win the Captain Crazy sweepstakes.

But Bay had a perceivable upside so to make up for it, Omar simply HAD to trade for Gary Matthews Jr. Just to make sure.

Now it all might play out as rightly this season as wrongly as it played out last season.

You could argue we MUST have karma on our side by now, what with two late season collapses and the worst injury nightmare season in baseball history last year and conceivably, this is the argument the Mets are making.

The problem is, everyone is already so sick and tired, only Mets players, who don't have any choice in the matter, are buying it.


Heart Attack And Vine

Well since there appears to be a day or two pause in the incessant march of incompetence in the Met front office have some Tom Waits instead: