Archie Bunker's Army

Now that one of the more disappointing baseball seasons in my recent memory is finally over it appears we have a sudden bout of indigestion or perhaps slowly formulating gout to deal with and that is the likes of Hackmaster Flash waxing poetic about "going after" A-Hole now that he's given the auld two finger salute to the Yankees and is free to fuck over another franchise with the delusional demands of his meglomaniac agent Scott Whore-Ass blending in nicely with his own impressive When They Don't Count numbers. Firstly, let me say that I just know auld Wally is simply taking the piss. He must be. NOBODY is that fucking stupid. He had a column to write and nothing provocative came to mind so he decided to cheat and write the sports page equivilent of a Dolly Has Tits tabloid headline and send us all puking into our deskside rubbish bins with the idea of moving Kid Franchise to make room for the Cancer Franchise Kid in the hot corner. Signing A-Hole is not j...

Well, now that my fantasy ending to the Mets season, which, we can now reveal, was created using completely random box scores from the 1970s and 1980s September Mets games, is over, reality can set in. What's it been, two, three weeks now? The Latest Spin is that the adversity of the Worst Collapse In the History Of Mankind is a "character builder". I don't know if anyone has actually said or written that but it's the typical sort of rubbish slogan supporters will stand behind to justify another season of mediocrity. I have several different spin angles available to stand by in the event you are dissatisfied with searching for farthings in steaming piles of horse manure: The Dubito, Ergo Cogito, Ergo Sum Spin : This method requires an anatomically correct Willie Randolph doll with a Billy Wagner head and involves knowing instinctively at the season's onset that any remote element of belief will slowly be eroded by the reality of the underperforming and inju...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Rockies 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 2 5 0 Mets 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7 3 Out-dueled in Game One, Jeff Francis was not to be denied in the decisive Game Five The once-vaunted offensive juggernaut of the New York Mets is no more. For the second consecutive game the Mets were shutout by the pitching staff of the wild card Colorado Rockies, an embarassing display at Shea Stadium to cap an early end to a once-promising 2007 season and to fill fans with disillusionment, vitriol and biliary disgust. Reyes contemplates titles for his new Spanglish Gangsta Rap CD planned with Lastings Milledge this winter "Willie should be fired," one fan spat, exiting Shea Stadium among the thousands of others herded towards the #7 train home. "Perhaps first he should be disemboweled and THEN he should be fired..." Mr Met Prays For Guillermo Mota Corpses To Fa...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Mets 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7 0 Rockies 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 x 1 5 0 It wasn't the type of game you would normally expect; a Coors Field shutout which saw 12 hits but only 1 run and several Mets were quick to accuse last night that the Rockies had returned to their evil days of illegal waterlogged baseballs to get an unfair edge. But speculation aside, Rockies starter Jeff Francis , pitching on short rest, was simply dazzling against a suddenly inept Mets offence, scattering 7 hits and striking out 5 over 8 innings before yielding to Rockies closer Manny Corpas , who completed the shutout and helped force a decisive Game 5 at Shea. Perez was nearly spectacular but not nearly enough... Mets starter Oliver Perez, who hadn't pitched since a wild outing against the Marlins on the 28th of September, was brilliant in spots, and disgu...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Mets 2 2 0 0 1 2 0 0 1 8 15 1 Rockies 0 0 4 0 1 3 0 0 2 10 14 1 You had to know that this domination of the Rockies batting order couldn't go on forever. Not after the lucky tear the Rockies went on to get to the post season to begin with. Last night, back home in the friendly confines of Coors Field, the Rockies finally struck back. No ace when you need him, Glavine contemplates a breakfast of grits when he gets home. Mets starter Tom Glavine was battered over five innings for 10 hits and 7 runs although it wasn't until the 3rd inning that the deluge began in earnest. Prior to that the Mets looked as though they were going for the jugular in Game 3, pouncing on Colorado starting pitcher rookie Ubaldo Jimenez for a pair of runs in both the first and second innings for a 4-0 lead. In the top of the first, Luis Castillo once again ignited ...

Apologies to the night staff and beer porters who have patiently awaited the latest edition of the Mets What If Season. This Crystal Ball of Unhappened Circumstances is a bit blurry at the best of times and in the glorious haze of nearly watching the Yank Me's swept up in a neat little pile, reality took a little bite of time. In any event, one hopes in this series of uncertainty, Game Two will be followed swiftly by the simulated game three and so on. With the Cubbies swiftly floating out of the postseason as ridiculously as they entered it, the Mets late season swoon appears to be history. The second stellar pitching performance in a row begs the question of whether the Mets starting rotation is suddenly this good or has the Rockie offensive juggernaut and unfathonable dream team finally hit an intergalactic glitch in the fantasy ride to the World Series? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Rockies ...

In the spirit of "what if" scenarios and perhaps simply because it ent over until I say it is, the Army is pretending that the Mets actually defeated the Marlins, knocking D Train out of the box in the 3rd, following 6 strong shutout innings by Glavine (how now THERE'S a preposterous scenario), a pair of homers by Delgado and a 7-3 victory whilst the Phillies were upset by the Nats by a 5-3 margin. What that means of course is that instead of the most humiliating fall from grace in the history of the Mets narrowly snatched victory from the maw of defeat and lived to play another series... The theory is, why should *I* miss out on all the fun simply because Willie and the Boyz decide to dog it the last month of the season? Thus, for the foreseeable future, Archie Bunker's Army will be presenting Mets Postseason 2007 . Pedro Leaves to a standing "O" in the top of the 8th... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - ...

HOUSE CLEANING Bye Bye 1. Glavine (times up) 2. El Duque (2 consecutive seasons unavailable as a starter for precisely the time of year he was obtained for. times up) 3. Castillo (those knees are just too beaten to last another full season, not worth another contract) 4. Lo Duca (passion only goes so far) 5. Guillermo Mota (no need to explain) 6. Shawn Green (one of the best hitters towards the end of the season but a defensive liability and simply not worth an extension) 7. Schoeneweiss (don't let the door hit you on the way out) 8. Aaron Sele (ditto) 9. Willie (Joe Girardi) 10. Rickey (fired from a cannon) 11. Billy Wagner - (let's face it, he'll never win the big one, historically not as bad as Armandogeddon but he is an Armandogeddon waiting to happen - are you comfortable with him closing Game 7 if we were ever to get there?) Stay 1 Wright (the backbone) 2 Reyes (needs his head straightened) 3. Beltran (can't argue with his numbers but the passion?) 4. ...