1.1.07

2007 Mets (A Brief, But Miraculous Preview)

8th January 2007 - Realising in the wake of Barry Zito's ridiculus signing figures with the Giants that Johan Santana is going to be too expensive, the Twins announce they are willing to entertain offers for Santana.

9th January 2007 - Seeking to dispel rumours that the Mets are still seeking an ace starter, Omar Minaya announces that although the Mets are "interested" in Santana, they will not get into a major bidding war with other teams for Santana's services. "We are happy with the quality old timers we have at the front end of the rotation and the inexperience at the back of the rotation," Omar says. "I see no reason why El Duque can't win the Cy Young award this season."

10th January 2007 - Twins trade Santana to the Atlanta Braves for two unknown minor leaguers who everyone insists will be All Stars by 2015.

11th January 2007 - Mets announce the signing of free agents Bruce Chen, Mike DeJean and Tomo Ohka to minor league contracts.

18th January 2007 - Mets sign Jeromy Burnitz to a one year 2 million dollar deal and announce they are ready to start the 2007 season.

22nd February 2007 - The new and bulky Pedro, having added 60 pounds of self-described muscle during his off season training regime, announces he will be ready to pitch opening day.

28th February 2007 - In the opening Spring Training game against the Detroit Tigers, El Duque allows 12 homeruns in the first inning and the Mets lose, 12-3 after a miraculous 8 2/3 innings no-hit outing from Bruce Chen.

1st March 2007 - With the admission that he is "feeling fatigued" from his off season training, El Duque announces he is going to take the first six months of the season off to rest for the World Series.

3rd March 2007 - Pedro fails a drug test for steroids and is suspended for the first four months of the season. After realising that Pedro's earlier optimism about starting on Opening Day was a hallucination induced by steroids consumed whilst sitting under a mango tree in the Dominican Republic and that in reality, he won't be able to pitch anyway until July at the earliest, the suspension is amended to the "first start Pedro can make and 6 starts to be named later."

5th March 2007 - Pedro appeals the suspension by admitting that as part of his off season training regime, Moises Alou has been peeing on his torn rotator cuff to make it heal faster and that the urine sample was Alou's not his own. Pedro further admits that the 60 pounds he added is not in fact muscle, but fat gained in the wake of his strict off season diet of rice and beans, chicharrones de pollo and carne frita.

6th March 2007 - Moises Alou is suspended for the first two months of the season as a result of Pedro's admission.

7th March 2007 - Moises Alou appeals the suspension admitting that because he had used up so much of his own urine on Pedro's torn rotator cuff, he had recruited Sammy Sosa to pee on his hands instead. Sosa, who had been planning a massive comeback by signing with the SF Giants, is suspended from baseball and kills himself by hitting himself repeatedly over the head with a corked bat.

8th March 2007 - Following a compelling 9-0 victory over the Orioles in which Bruce Chen combines with Tom Glavine and Mike DeJean to pitch a perfect game, all three are involved in a multi-taxi accident five minutes from their hotel room after the game. Glavine has all his teeth knocked out but Chen and DeJean escape injury.

9th March 2007 - The Mets announce the purchase of 26 new M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tanks to transport players for the remainder of the season.

10th March 2007 - Refusing to ride in the tank because he doesn't support the US Military, Carlos Delgado takes a taxi to an all-night diner and breaks his hand when he accidentally slams it in the door of the taxi. He will miss the first three months of the season.

11th March 2007 - Jeremy Burnitz is announced as the Mets Opening Day starting first baseman and is knocked unconscious trying to field a ground ball with his Mike Piazza first baseman's glove.

28th March 2007 - Johan Santana throws 6 scoreless innings for the Braves as they batter an assortment of Mets pitchers and win, 26-2. Tom Glavine, starting his first game with his new set of false teeth, accidentally bites his tongue off and will miss Opening Day. John Maine is announced as the Mets Opening Day starter against the Cardinals.

29th March 2007 - As they race around the bases following a David Wright bases-loaded triple to tie the game against the Dodgers, Jose Reyes, righthander Ambiorix Burgos and Moises Alou all tear hamstrings rounding third base and will all be out at least 3-4 months.

1st April 2007 - John Maine pitches 2 scoreless innings against the Cardinals before walking a MLB record 11 batters in a row. The Mets lose, 13-3 and after the game, Willie Randolph admits that the only reason he left Maine in for so long was that he mistakenly believed Guillermo Mota was warming up in the bullpen when in fact, it was only Tomo Ohko.

3rd April 2007 - A combined outing by Mike Pelfrey, Phillip Humber, Aaron Heilman and Oliver Perez shuts out the Cardinals for 4 innings before Bruce Chen surrenders 8 runs in the 5th and the Cards go on to win 12-2.

4th April 2007 - With the Mets running out of starting pitchers, Mike DeJean starts the game only to be pulled after two pitches suffering from hallucinations. Billy Wagner closes out the first with the Mets leading 3-0 but, opting to rest Duaner Sanchez for the 9th inning, Willie moves David Wright from 3rd to pitch innings 2 through 8. Wright no-hits the Cardinals and with the Mets leading 6-0, Sanchez is called in from the bullpen. His bullpen cart tips over on the way to the mound and he breaks his arm, forcing Willie to ask Julio Franco to pitch the bottom of the 9th. Franco surrenders 7 straight solo homeruns and the Cardinals win, 7-6.

5th April 2007 - Mets announce David Wright is out for the rest of the season with a torn rotator cuff.

6th April 2007 - Johan Santana pitches a no hitter as the Mets lose to the Braves in the Braves home opener, 16-0, dropping the Mets to 0-4 on the season.

9th April 2007 - The Mets face the Phillies in their own Shea Home Opener with an 0-6 record. Alay Soler, is called up from the Triple AAA Norfolk Tides to start the game before anyone remembers that the new Triple AAA affiliate is the New Orleans Zephyrs. Soler gets on the wrong flight and ends up in Baltimore. The Mets lose 18-3.

13th April 2007 - Following an 0-9 start, the Mets announce the signing of the 56 year old Bert Blyleven to their starting rotation. Blyleven, shunned yet again by the Hall of Fame Selection Committee, angerly pitches 8 shutout innings against the Nats and the Mets win their first game of the season, 3-2.

21st April 2007 - The Braves score 8 runs in the first inning off of starter John Maine, who complains afterwards that he continues to suffer from inflammation of his right middle finger following a strange incident before the game at Shea when the finger was held up at a passing cabbie and broken by a strong sudden guest of wind, is placed on the disabled list. The Braves hold on to win 8-6 despite 3 Carlos Beltran homers and the Mets drop to 3-15.

30th April 2007 - Willie Randolph, facing growing condemnation from a rabid New York media, is ejected from the game at Florida for arguing about organ music. Against the Marlins, Randolph becomes irate when Marlins guest organist Dan Marino starts playing "Fugue in G minor BWV 578 for organ solo" while Mets third baseman Chris Basak batted in the 6th. Twice, Basak, distracted by the music, tries to call time, but guest umpire George Steinbrenner refuses. Randolph expresses his irritation to Steinbrenner whilst whisperingly asking "can I have my old job back?" and Steinbrenner tosses him screaming "You will never coach the Yankees again!" As Randolph leaves the field, Marino plays a rendition of Deep Purple's "Bloodsucker." The Mets lose their 20th game of the season.

7th May 2007 - Facing the Mets for the first time, Barry Zito opens the first by throwing $100 bills at lead off hitter Anderson Hernandez, who has had 2 hits in his first 93 at-bats. Hernandez grabs the first two $100 bills thrown towards him and runs off the field, sreaming "I'm rich! I'm rich!" Following a mid-inning admonishment from baseball Czar Bud Selig to only throw coins at the Mets, Zito goes on to pitch a two-hit shutout and the Giants win, 11-0.

11th May 2007 - Milwaukee Brewers ace Jeff Suppan pitches a 1 hit shutout and the Mets lose, 6-0, their 28th loss of the season against only 8 victories. Carlos Beltran announces after the game that he is retiring from baseball to pursue a career in tv evangalism.

15th May 2007 - Recently signed 49 year old outfielder Ricky Henderson leads off the game against the Cubs with a homerun to give the Mets a 1-0. He later falls asleep in centerfield playing cards with Lastings Milledge allowing a bloop single by Alfonso Soriano to turn into a game winning in-the-park grand slam and the Mets lose, 4-1.

18th May 2007 - The Mets lose the opening game of the Subway Series at Shea in typically humiliating fashion after El Duque, Alay Soler and Willie Randolph all attempt to defect to the Yankees in the 5th inning. Kei Igawa tosses a 4-hit shutout and Cuban defector Juan Miranda hits a grand slam in the 3rd as the Yankees go on to win easily, 11-0.

19th May 2007 - Before the game against the Yankees, Willie Randolph is spotted commiserating with Joe Torre about the virulance of the media but Joe tells Willie not to worry; he's learned the key to handling the media is to give them "what they want." The Mets lose 16-4.

31st May 2007 - Following a 12-7 loss to the SF Giants and with the Mets' record standing at 12-42, Ricky Henderson leads a team mutiny against Willie Randolph and announces a coup de clubhouse with Henderson "temporarily" seizing control of the team until elections are held to find a new manager.

1st June 2007 - Willie Randolph is welcomed by the Yankees as a baseball asylumist and the Ricky Henderson announces that the Mets are going to forfeit their next three games whilst they prepare for the 2007 13th World Bridge Championships. Henderson is immediately placed under clubhouse arrest by catcher Paul Lo Duca and Omar Minaya seizes control of the team claiming that with the oustanding starting fantasy pitching rotation he assembled the Mets should have already clinched the NL East. Minaya announces draconian clubhouse measures, forcing all players to grow beards and barring women from entering Shea Stadium explaining that Keith Hernandez believes women should be home cleaning instead of watching baseball.

3rd June 2007 - With newly announced interim player/manager Keith Hernandez at the helm, the Mets defeat the Diamondbacks 16-13 at Shea Stadium behind Bert Blyleven's 9 inning, 11 hit outing. Hernandez himself hits three homers but removes himself from the game in the 8th suffering from "pre-menstral cramps".

4th June 2007 - Facing a forfeiture of their entire season following the ban on women at games at Shea, the Mets reluctantly announce, further to a series of urgent meetings with the Commissioner's office, that all women will be allowed to attend games at Shea for free for the remainder of the season and that Keith Hernandez will be forced to play and manage the rest of the season with a pair of panties on his head.

5th June 2007 - A record crowd of 75,045 women pack Shea Stadium to watch the Mets jump to an early 12-8 lead over the Phillies only to have the Fire Marshall suspend the game for violating NYC fire code regulations on overcrowding. It is later revealed that 75,043 men had attended the game in drag to get free tickets and Shea Stadium is burned to the ground after an angry mob of Anna Benson supporters accidentally set fire to an effigy of Keith Hernandez and Omar Minaya bans fire fighters from trying to put out the ensuing blaze explaining that the Mets had enough starting pitchers to put out the fire themselves.
The Mets forfeit the next to games to the Phillies and fall to 13-47 on the season.

8th June 2007 - The Mets gratefully begin a 9 game road trip that will see them travel to Detroit, Los Angeles and Yankee Stadium.

18th June 2007 - With the expedited construction of Citi Field still not scheduled for completion until September, the Mets are forced to play their home game against the Minnesota Twins at East Side Community High School where they are mercilessly ridiculed by school children and school teachers alike whilst losing to the Twins by 18-3, their 13th loss in a row. Complaining that he cannot hit, field or manage because the pair of panties on his head is obstructing his vision, Keith Hernandez announces his retirement from baseball to pursue the leadership of the newly-formed Mets Misogynist Emerald Society (MESS). In a bizarre comeback twist, Anna Benson announces her legal separation from Mr Anna Benson and is named interim Mets manager.

19th June 2007 - The Mets trade Pedro Martinez, Tom Glavine and John Maine to the Baltimore Orioles for Kris Benson and three miniature poodles. The Mets lose to the Twins, 25-2.

20th June 2007 - Kris Benson pitches a two-hitter against the Twins but the Mets still lose the game 1-0 when closer Billy Wagner, appearing in only his third game all season, walks 4 batters in a row before striking out the side to end the 9th. Anna and Kris run off to Las Vegas following the game to renew their vows following an off day before facing the Zito-less A's of Oakland.

22nd June 2007 - Amid an overflowing crowd at East Side Community High School, Mike Piazza blasts an MLB record 7 homeruns as the A's go on to win, 23-1. Anna Benson announces she her resignation as manager of the Mets to "push a few more puppies out of my womb."

23rd June 2007 - With no interim manager, the Mets finally snap their 16 game losing streak behind Bert Blyleven's 4 inning 16 hit performance, winning 18-16 behind Jeff Keppinger's grand slam in the bottom of the 9th off a Zito-less A's staff. Piazza hits another 5 homers for the A's in a losing cause. After the game, the Mets introduce Mr Met as the new interim manager.

30th June 2007 - Behind the pitching of the recently promoted Tim LaVigne, the Mets reel off their 8th straight victory, this time over the Phillies, to narrow their deficit in the NL East race to 30 games.

*****To Be Continued, Some Day********

12 comments:

adenzeno said...

I am in TEARS!!

Kyle in Newport News said...

A tour de force.

Mack said...

Excellent!

May I have your permission to re-print this on my website?

Anonymous said...

You're a fucking moron.

GrkPV531 said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen

Itsmetsforme said...

what no Bobby Bo?

hey you can't fool me, you just synopsized the 2003 season and changed a few of the names!

Becky said...

LMAO that is great!!!!!!!!!!

so, when do they re-sign Mel Rojas and Rich Rodríguez, and trade Billy Wags to the Giants for Armando Benítez? ;)

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