31.10.07

Just Say No To A-Hole

Now that one of the more disappointing baseball seasons in my recent memory is finally over it appears we have a sudden bout of indigestion or perhaps slowly formulating gout to deal with and that is the likes of Hackmaster Flash waxing poetic about "going after" A-Hole now that he's given the auld two finger salute to the Yankees and is free to fuck over another franchise with the delusional demands of his meglomaniac agent Scott Whore-Ass blending in nicely with his own impressive When They Don't Count numbers.

Firstly, let me say that I just know auld Wally is simply taking the piss. He must be. NOBODY is that fucking stupid. He had a column to write and nothing provocative came to mind so he decided to cheat and write the sports page equivilent of a Dolly Has Tits tabloid headline and send us all puking into our deskside rubbish bins with the idea of moving Kid Franchise to make room for the Cancer Franchise Kid in the hot corner.

Signing A-Hole is not just a bad idea, like having a one night stand with a fat, wobbly bird you wouldn't be caught dead talking to in public when sober. It's a life-threatening idea, like not only having a one-night stand with her but getting her PREGNANT to boot. (I know that Knocked Up is supposed to be a comedy but really, consider Katherine Heigl being replaced with oh, let's say Ugly Betty and it graduates to an epic ComiTragedy with Oscar potential.)

As one allegorical genius infers, there is no need to fix wot ent necessarily broken (yet), i.e. moving David Wright or Jose Reyes in order to make room for Mr Regular Season, his man-sized ego and prima donna coterie.

Unless Whore-Ass can magically turn A-Hole into Cy Young, I don't even see why the conversation is even necessary, where the debate is about spending the GNP of Sub-Sahara Africa to buy a franchise headache with an unsustainable erection for the post-season.

If Wally Matthews thinks Omar "should open the Mets vault" for A-Hole you have to wonder what this guy spends his OWN money on. Transvestite whores? Self-hate DVD programmes on hot-ticket topics like Achieving Massive Fiscal Irresponsibility In Less Than 30 Days? Was that Wally Matthews we heard whispering sweet nothings in ears of the Merrill Lynch about the subprime mortgage market?

But perhaps the Mets signing A-Hole is not as improbable as the saner man might imagine. After all, the Mets think tank were the same menagerie of chimps wot brought us the brilliant plan of bringing back Rickey Henderson as First Base Coach, last season wasn't it? If they're capable of that kind of idea perhaps they're really capable of anything. Psst: Let's move David Wright to catcher, put Delgado in right field, re-sign Tom Glavine to play first base when his ERA hits double digits next season, and make signing A-Hole a priority...

While we're at it, why not replace Keef on SNY with Irritable Bowel Joe Buck to broadcast all the Mets games next season?

Whilst perhaps not reflective of your standarised Met fan, I would certainly not see signing A-Hole as an incentive to buy more tickets to Mets games. (Not unless Scott Whore-Ass was going to be within spitting distance and I was allowed to bring a lunch bag of D-sized batteries into the stands with me, of course.)

No, I'm not Avin' it. Let's squash this ridiculous chatter about signing A-Hole and focus on a few signings Omar should get inking straight away:

Carlos Silva - a right handed starting innings-eater, something a starting rotation like the Mets, loaded as they are with starting pitchers who can't make it out of the 5th inning, is crying out for: 2004-2007 innings pitched: 233, 188, 180, 202. 4.31 lifetime ERA. Good fourth or fifth starter. 28 years old.

Dave Riske: A solid choice for right-handed set-up to the closer to give Heilman his chance as Starter or Bust then trade him to the Pirates for Xavier Nady...

Jamey Wright RHP versatile as both a starter and reliever, 2.73 post-All Star game ERA, otherwise unsexy, no A-Hole on the mound but let's save our money for something important.

Armando Benitez: On the face of it, this is stoooopid and even beneath the surface it is stoooopid, not to mention the fact we already have a Choking Closer. But for comic relief, absurdist value and the human punching bag that every Met will cherish though the course of 2008, look no further.

In the interests of journalistic integrity and full disclosure, I have to admit a very prolonged, nearly rabid hatred of Scott Whore-Ass and everything he represents. If you're looking you won't have to look far to find some good Boras Bashing. Certainly more entertaining than A-Hole For Life offseason twittering, innit?

7 comments:

sanchez said...

are you kidding? Carlos Silva??? Don't you realize that with those kind of innings pitched over four years he's due to blow out his rotator cuff any day now? I think that's called the Jason Schmidt rule of Innings Pitched Per Dollar Offered ratio. Glad to see you back though, thought you'd disappeared behind the Wax Curtain for awhile there...

Anonymous said...

Jaap, thanks for the entertaining post today. Boras and A-Rod certainly do a lot for the integrity of the game, yes? Who do you think will wind up with Hot Rod? Come over to Baseball Nooz and place your vote.

--Walter

Jaap said...

sanchez, mark my words: Carlos Silva is the poor man's Early Wynn (11 straight years over 200 IP). And don't forget, he'd be coming over from the American League and as we all know, the transition from AL to NL is worth at least 2.50 knocked off the auld ERA since they don't have to face the DH see...he's probably the early candidate for first Met pitcher to toss a no-hitter...

Jaap said...

Walter, I suspect his secret love affair with Joe Torre will see him off to the Dodgers in record time. Just imagine how well his apathy will blend in with the background of Chavez Ravine...Provocative site, by the way, I was tempted to vote twice.

Itsmetsforme said...

Arod to the Dodgies seems very possible, but you have to wonder what Torre's input would be. Perhaps he'd like a fresh start without the Arod albatross?

Jaap said...

| have to admit, IMFM, I don't know what Joe Torre would like in LA. Certainly not insulting offers, apparently. Or at least not transparently insulting offers. Subliminal insults from a very schitzophrenic Dodger ownership is another story altogether.

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