20.10.07

Let The Off Season Begin!



Well, now that my fantasy ending to the Mets season, which, we can now reveal, was created using completely random box scores from the 1970s and 1980s September Mets games, is over, reality can set in.

What's it been, two, three weeks now?

The Latest Spin is that the adversity of the Worst Collapse In the History Of Mankind is a "character builder". I don't know if anyone has actually said or written that but it's the typical sort of rubbish slogan supporters will stand behind to justify another season of mediocrity.

I have several different spin angles available to stand by in the event you are dissatisfied with searching for farthings in steaming piles of horse manure:



The Dubito, Ergo Cogito, Ergo Sum Spin: This method requires an anatomically correct Willie Randolph doll with a Billy Wagner head and involves knowing instinctively at the season's onset that any remote element of belief will slowly be eroded by the reality of the underperforming and injury of an elderly and underachieving roster and thus we should be grateful for all the delusional months of happiness the Mets spent in first place to begin with.



Optimist Spin: The Worst Collapse in The History of Mankind will logically be followed by the Greatest Comeback in History wherein next season, the Phillies or the Braves will have a 12 game lead with 14 games left, the Mets will win every September game they play and they will then go on a Rockies-like run, sweeping the NLDS, NLCS and World Series.



Zenophobic Spin: The Mets season would have been alot worse if someone like Mullah Omar or Mullah Obaidullah Akhund had been the manager instead of Willie Randolph. Neither Mullah has shown any understanding of the finer elements of baseball as Willie has and besides, Mullah Omar only has one eye and the Mullah Obaidullah Akhund was arrested by Pakistani police at the end of February which would have caused an unreasonable amount of uncertainty going into Spring Training. Scouting reports also indicate that Mullah Omar cuts off the left arms of left handed pitchers and forces them to throw righty.




The Hungarian Lingerie Lesbians Are Possibly Fitter Than Croatian Birds Spin: Admittedly slightly off-topic, there are some Mets fans who believe that such debate allows for an abating of mid-winter misery whilst Omar busies himself signing further 40+ retirees and dead-enders to stock the 2008 roster and the rest of us wonder why Willie wasn't offered a pay-cut to stay with the Mets like Torre was with the Yankees.



The Spin City Spin: This allows one to compare the relative success of the series even AFTER Charlie takes Mike Flaherty's place in later years as the Deputy-Mayor of New York City to the Mets chances post-2007 collapse and also allows for the contemplation of why Heather Locklear was allowed to appear in 59 episodes whilst Jennifer Esposito appeared in only 18. That's like over-using Guillermo Mota because you've traded Heath Bell to the Padres for Ben Johnson and Jon Adkins. Oh right, they already did that...not really a spin but if you spin enough you become dizzy and you don't know where you are anyway. If it's 2007 this must be second place!


Also know as the Yanqui Go Home Spin.

The Just Think Willie, If You Hadn't Left the Yankees, The Job Could Have Been Yours Spin: Where do YOU think Willie would rather be right now? Or, if Joe Torre had been the manager of the Mets in 2007 instead of the Yankees, would the Mets have blown their 7 game lead in the NL East or would they have won the NL East and then get swept by the Rockies in the NLDS like the Phillies. Is Charlie Manuel the new Joe Torre? Is Willie Randolph the black Don Mattingly? Is Don Mattingly the Quieter Joe Girardi? Who has a bigger managerial gut, Bobby Cox or Charlie Manuel?. If Lou Piniella had been the Mets manager in 2007 would he too have overseen the infamous collapse or like he did managing the Cubs would he lead an unspirational three games and out NLDS flub? If you stood Piniella, Cox and Manuel belly to belly to belly would you still be able to see the sun? This spin is premised on asking so many questions you forget what happened to the season and start watching the Jets lose game after game as a form of comfort telly.

Next week we will examine why there are no great pitchers available as an immediate elixir to the Mets Missing starting rotation and why this, in combination with another season of Willie spells disaster and allows us to commence with the First Annual How Many Games Will the Mets Finish From First in 2008 Sweepstakes

4 comments:

Itsmetsforme said...

The Mets couldn't even win in your fantasies!!

I am sad to report the picture accompanying the Hungarian Lingerie Lesbians Are Possibly Fitter Than Croatian Birds Spin is not loading. I am offended. Please cancel my subscription.

jdon said...

Fire Willie if they lose the season opener. Also, hire a coach for each of the Mets 8 starters. Two for Reyes. That way, if they start to dog it, or take a day off, we know who to blame, and can fire their coach.

Jaap said...

aye, IMFM, the Hungarian Lingerie Lesbians STILL isn't loading but on the bright side, the Mullah Omar photo is back up. One man's pinup is another man's target practice, they say.
And yes, ironic the Mets losing even in the make-believe-post-season-wherein-they-didn't-blow-the-postseason-before-it-started but really, did you think I'd lost my mind and would send the Mets to the World Series? Let's be real, ha.

Jaap said...

you know jdon, good idea. Everywhere a fire. We could also hand out Jose Reyes voodoo dolls in the Home Opener and burn Willie in effigy after the first game he loses. But the pitching staff is like a woman with sagging breasts. What we really need is some silicon.