Enough Already With The Toe Watch, Chop It Off!

Any truth to the rumours that the Mets are going to replace Shea pitching mound clay with 100 dollar bills and the flesh of virgins in an ongoing effort to appease Pedro's insatiably cranky big toe?

I'm finding it somewhat implausible that with all the miracles of modern science and with all the efforts the Mets have gone to already to placate this toe which is threatening to undermine their entire season that they couldn't have come up with an easier solution during the off season or just chopped off Pedro's toe after they were mathematically eliminated from the NL East last season and replaced it with an artificial one that doesn't require more nurturing and attention than Mariah Carey. Or a bionic toe, or let Jose Lima donate his.

I mean was this toe issue really so unsolvable over the offseason or did Pedro and the Mets all just rely on God's will and a special rubber foam to miraculously heal what is obviously a massive problem?

Is this poor planning, stupidity or a test of fate?

There's no denying Pedro is an integral piece to any puzzle the Mets attempt to assemble resembling a postseason berth this year but I'm growing a little fatigued with the daily melodrama about Pedro's toe. The worst part is this is a problem this obviously isn't going to be solved this season to anyone's satisfaction and is destined to hang over our collective heads like a cloud of anthrax vapour all season long.

Just think, all this talent assembled, all this money spent, everything pissed down the toilet over a toe. How ridiculous is that?

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On a happier note, the rest of the Mets are not letting Pedro's toe hold them back.

Yesterday they continued their winning ways, this time by pounding the Cleveland Indians, 7-1.

Pedro's possible rotation replacement (he notes, tongue-in-cheek), Yasaku Iriki allowed only one run and one hit over three innnings but tantalisingly Zambranoesque, also managed to walk three.

"I had no feel for my slider," Iriki said. "The baseball here is horsehide and more slippery than the Japanese ball, which is cowskin."

Perhaps Pedro's toe should be replaced with horsehide so that it is more slippery and gives way more easily in this "violent toe" pitching motion we all love to hear about and sing about in nursery rhymes.

Anderson Hernandez, continuing to play shortstop whilst Jose Reyes is off screwing around with another country's team, continued to wrestle the second baseman's job from an inert Kaz Matsui by going 2-for-3 with two runs and an RBI. Meanwhile, the man emerging as the number two second baseman, Jeff Keppinger, was 2-for-4 with two runs and an RBI. Wunderkind trade bait outfielder Lastings Milledge drove in two runs whilst going 1 for 2 in attempted steals as though proving he were capable of making the Mets track team. We get it, Lastings. You're fast. Now start hitting the ball for crissakes!

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Oh uh, here's a shot I love to see; a miserable and rapidly balding Republican zealot choking down a loss for Team America because they were desperate or dumb enough to let him on the roster to begin with:



Still, amazin' that the American team could be eliminated before they play another game, isn't it? Certainly no Dream Team but then again perhaps it is just the perpetual loser karma in A-Rod which is bringing the team down. Or the fact that it stinks with Yankees. That almost guaranteed a losing proposition from the start.

More funny news as this WBC morphs into a third world classic, Italy's Mike Piazza struck out three times against Venezuela and briefly argued a call at first base after grounding out in the ninth inning. No word yet on how many Venezuelans he allowed to steal. They're probably still laughing and counting them down in Caracas.

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