Top Ten Reasons Why Yorvit Deal Fell Through

Passport photos reveal remarkable difference...

10. Discovery of forged Venezuelan birth certificate indicating Yorvit's actual date of birth was 1998 meaning he wasn't old enough to legally sign a contract. Met's officials insisted they were "never fooled" by the magic marker goatee Yorvit had drawn in to "make himself look older."

9. A cymnical tactical ploy in the difficult, ongoing negotiations to sign Mike Defelice as the new starting catcher because "two passed balls in 16 games" is a marked sign of defensive improvement.

8. Omar wanted to call him Yorvit Torrealba but Jeff Wilpon insisted he be called Yorman Bazardo.

7. Andrew Mongelluzzi's touching revelation that the Mets never even offered a one year contract to Paulie gave the Mets brass a guilty conscience.

6. Endy Chavez, a fellow Venezuelan, revealed that in Venezuela slang, "Yorvit" means "no arm, no bat" as in "El tiene yorvit"

5. Mets insist that Melvin Roman's demand for a Yorvit personal merchandise tent at spring training and an office for a marketing rep at Shea was a step too far in negotiating demands.

4 Scheduled physical prior to finalising the free agent contract revealed Yorvit Torrealba was pregnant by alients.

3. Mets were unable to convince Ramon Castro that Yorvit's 3 year deal was for 14.4 million Botswana pulas and his 2 year deal was for 4.6 million dollars.

2. Mets insisted on contract clause which would prevent him from moonlighting as Citysearch User Review Monitoring Team Editor

1. Omar realised he couldn't afford to sign Yorvit AND Luis Castillo to monstrously stupid ill-advised and grotesquely hyper-inflated multi-year contracts within the same month and not be considered an easy mark on the Latino free agent circuit.

I Hope This Isn't Supposed To Be A Splash

Right. Now I'll be getting excited about the 2008 season.

The Mets are announcing they've agreed to terms with Yorvit Torrealba to be their new starting catcher.

Yeah, but you're no Yorvit Torrealba, baby...

This is like someone telling me they've set me up on a blind date with a famous fit English actress and instead of Keira Knightley, it's bloody Joan Collins showing up at the front door.

Right, call me back when it's 1950 again, Joanie.

In any event, let's also put it this way: Not an Upgrade.

It's too early in the offseason to start spitting sunflower seeds of bitterness but what, history of shoulder problems, absolute shite at throwing out runners, miserable batting average away from Coors...where's the bloody upside to this - that he's younger than Paul Lo Duca?

The real pisser about this is that, you just watch now, the Rockies will go ahead and sign Lo Duca who will hit like 40 homers at Coors Field next season where the high altitude will keep his temper on an even boil and he and Kaz Matsui lead off the top of the Rockies order all season.

Whilst signing what is in essence a backup catcher as your new number one catcher isn't thrilling news, I will give a nod to this signing for comedic value because apparently, Yorvit speaks a unique brand of English.

So hold on to your hats because to offset this 6 year reduction in age behind the plate Omar is probably primed to land Jose Contreras and Livian Hernandez as the new starting pitching tandem we've been dreaming will save the 2008 season.

Pinch me.

The Beauty of Reunions

There are quite alot of former Mets masquerading as free agents at the moment. It makes you wonder which of them would be of the most use to the Mets if they were to suddenly reappear in the auld Orange and Blue and what a wonderful send off for Shea down Memory Lane:

Kris Benson: What's not to like? Mets need starting pitching, Kris Benson is a starting pitcher. Sure, a right handed starter coming off right shoulder surgery. He'll be available on the auld cheap-ola, we can all hold vigil whilst he tests it out in Spring Training, averting our attention from waxing nauseously on that 7 game lead into the sticky, mosquito-scented Florida twilight and give us Anna Benson Headlines, the greatest comic in the history of baseball player wives. Met career: 39 starts, 14-12 record, 242 innings pitched, 130 earned runs surrendered.

Kenny Rogers: Just look at all he's done since he left the Mets in that fabled NLCS 1999 meltdown: The 2005 shoving the cameramen, kicking the cameraman's camera not once but twice episode, showing the media who was Boss and earning a 20 game suspension, misdemeanor assault charges, civil suits, blablabla. The successful but controversial outings in the 2006 ALCS and World Series. Mr Smudge. Now coming off a 2007 season which saw it primarily spent recovering from surgery to remove a blood clot from his left shoulder and to repair arteries. What better time to summon the baseball satyrs to dance and play around Shea's pitching mound? And just think, as a large hacking choke job is prominant in his Met profile he'll fit right in should they decide to go on another historic hell ride through baseball infamy and blow another massive lead in 2008. Plus he's a lefty. He can blow the most vital game of the season in Tom Glavine's place next season.

John Thomson: This free agent market is just chokka with free agent pitchers. What is everyone whingeing about? We remember 2002, don't we? 9 starts, 2-6 record, 4.31 ERA. It's not enough that he had his career season with the Braves instead of the Mets. Sure, a Thomson-Lo Duca battery would be more assault and battery considering his previous derisive comments before signing with the Blue Jays. But first of all, Mr I Can Lose My Temper Faster Than You is not a sure thing as far as wearing a Mets kit next season and second of all, Thomson himself is coming off a year when he was released by the Blue Jays who were almost vomiting from the smell of how bad he pitched before they finally let him go and subsequently the least promising pitching on the KC Royals staff booby prize award winner. What the hell is Omar waiting for? This guy is a bargain waiting to happen!

Steve Trachsel: Bring back the five hour games to Shea! Innings-eater in the rotation. Reliable when it counts, so long as there aren't any domestic troubles to sort out or so long as it isn't the playoffs and he just doesn't feel like it's worth it to carry on. This guy could carry us to May, at least.

Doug Mientkiewicz: It took me practically all feckin season in 2005 to learn how to spell this line-drive hitting former Seminole's name and the thanks? A feeble .240 batting average, a year long struggle, strange little psychobabble moral boosting exchanges with Mrs Mientkiewicz, day after day of disappointment oppressive as a mid-August heat and humidity wave and worst of all, abandonement. How often did I get to spell Mientkiewicz in 2006 and 2007? Not enough. Not enough to have had to spend so much time learning to spell his stupid Meathead name. So he owes me. He can spell Carlos Delgado whilst Carlos wrestles with injury and avoiding a Roberto Alomar-like collapse as a Met and he can just sit on the bench lending moral support by talking about what a great manager Joe Torre was last year even though the Yankees got smoked in the first round of the playoffs yet again, played like a gypsy mandolin.

Mike Piazza: So many possibilities. The last Shea Hurrahs, the return of the three hop throw to second. The painful grimaces when things go wrong. A chance to pretend to spell Delgado at first base if Mientkiewicz decides to decline Omar's advances. We need a catcher. Mike Piazza is a catcher. A Hall of Fame catcher with more homers than any other fecking catcher in baseball history. Isn't that what his stubborn refusal to learn to play first base was all about? And maybe we can bring Art Howe back as his personal guru so whilst Piazza lets 12 runners steal in one inning and strikes out whilst pulling his hamstrings, Howe can shake his head in knowing; The Brotherhood of Failure always has extra seats in the changing room, a quick rubdown with amnesia powder and it all begins to feel better...But what, Piazza's not a catcher? Someone found out his catching defence is as formidable as a flapper's front zipper? Well, he can sit on Willie's bench and feel his facial hair grow in defiance and come off the bench once in awhile with men on base, late innings and maybe once or twice win another game for the Mets before he disappears into the twilight.

Tony Clark: Don't laugh. I know he didn't hit his weight for the Mets in 2003 but he had 16 homers in only 254 at-bats back then and even last season for the Dbacks he hit 17 in 221 at-bats. Power off the bench? Late inning sub? I'm starting to like this a little.

Octavio Dotel: Think we couldn't use a hard-throwing righty in the bullpen? Ok, not a very promising 2007 between Atlanta and KC. And ugly 2006 as well but hey, three's a charm, isn't it? Either he's fallen irrevocably into oblivion or he's primed for Comeback Player of the Year. The thing I can't figure out is why a guy with a 5.38 ERA was such a sensation for the Mets in 1999. Oh yeah, the potential. He just needs a little Rick Peterson treatment. Smart money shows a clear rise and fall in auld Octavio's career path and whilst we could ooo and ahhhhh whilst he attempts to regain his power, keep the ball over the plate but not over the fence, well, I've seen it too many times already. Besides, there's always...

Armandogeddon: What better way to close out Shea Stadium in 2008 than with a few classic Armandogeddon implosions? Can you possibly imagine the potential of a bullpen with people like Jorge Julio Armandogeddon Junior, also available through the free agent dream machine, Armando as himself and Guillermo Mota, all poised to send Billy Wagner plenty of bases-loaded catastrophes waiting to happen. I get all tingly just considering the endless scenarios of epi-comic gestures and Charlie Brown-like failure.

Cliff Floyd: Free as a bird. Just imagine, between him and Moises the pair might just crack the 50 game mark next season in left field.

Kaz Matsui: What strange happenings that both the Kaz Man and Jorge Julio end up playing in the World Series for the Colorado Rockies. What sick humour the Baseball Gods have. But look, Luis Castillo and his 100 year old knees are not getting a new contract so second base is open. What wonderful harmony, Kaz and Jose as the comedic double play combo, what more grandiose sight than Kaz hitting behind Jose and stringing along a good month of strikeouts and misdemeanor cockups at the plate with men on base. This is beautiful music that needs to be heard.