Archie Bunker's Army

Now that one of the more disappointing baseball seasons in my recent memory is finally over it appears we have a sudden bout of indigestion or perhaps slowly formulating gout to deal with and that is the likes of Hackmaster Flash waxing poetic about "going after" A-Hole now that he's given the auld two finger salute to the Yankees and is free to fuck over another franchise with the delusional demands of his meglomaniac agent Scott Whore-Ass blending in nicely with his own impressive When They Don't Count numbers. Firstly, let me say that I just know auld Wally is simply taking the piss. He must be. NOBODY is that fucking stupid. He had a column to write and nothing provocative came to mind so he decided to cheat and write the sports page equivilent of a Dolly Has Tits tabloid headline and send us all puking into our deskside rubbish bins with the idea of moving Kid Franchise to make room for the Cancer Franchise Kid in the hot corner. Signing A-Hole is not j...

Well, now that my fantasy ending to the Mets season, which, we can now reveal, was created using completely random box scores from the 1970s and 1980s September Mets games, is over, reality can set in. What's it been, two, three weeks now? The Latest Spin is that the adversity of the Worst Collapse In the History Of Mankind is a "character builder". I don't know if anyone has actually said or written that but it's the typical sort of rubbish slogan supporters will stand behind to justify another season of mediocrity. I have several different spin angles available to stand by in the event you are dissatisfied with searching for farthings in steaming piles of horse manure: The Dubito, Ergo Cogito, Ergo Sum Spin : This method requires an anatomically correct Willie Randolph doll with a Billy Wagner head and involves knowing instinctively at the season's onset that any remote element of belief will slowly be eroded by the reality of the underperforming and inju...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Rockies 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 2 5 0 Mets 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7 3 Out-dueled in Game One, Jeff Francis was not to be denied in the decisive Game Five The once-vaunted offensive juggernaut of the New York Mets is no more. For the second consecutive game the Mets were shutout by the pitching staff of the wild card Colorado Rockies, an embarassing display at Shea Stadium to cap an early end to a once-promising 2007 season and to fill fans with disillusionment, vitriol and biliary disgust. Reyes contemplates titles for his new Spanglish Gangsta Rap CD planned with Lastings Milledge this winter "Willie should be fired," one fan spat, exiting Shea Stadium among the thousands of others herded towards the #7 train home. "Perhaps first he should be disemboweled and THEN he should be fired..." Mr Met Prays For Guillermo Mota Corpses To Fa...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Mets 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7 0 Rockies 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 x 1 5 0 It wasn't the type of game you would normally expect; a Coors Field shutout which saw 12 hits but only 1 run and several Mets were quick to accuse last night that the Rockies had returned to their evil days of illegal waterlogged baseballs to get an unfair edge. But speculation aside, Rockies starter Jeff Francis , pitching on short rest, was simply dazzling against a suddenly inept Mets offence, scattering 7 hits and striking out 5 over 8 innings before yielding to Rockies closer Manny Corpas , who completed the shutout and helped force a decisive Game 5 at Shea. Perez was nearly spectacular but not nearly enough... Mets starter Oliver Perez, who hadn't pitched since a wild outing against the Marlins on the 28th of September, was brilliant in spots, and disgu...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Mets 2 2 0 0 1 2 0 0 1 8 15 1 Rockies 0 0 4 0 1 3 0 0 2 10 14 1 You had to know that this domination of the Rockies batting order couldn't go on forever. Not after the lucky tear the Rockies went on to get to the post season to begin with. Last night, back home in the friendly confines of Coors Field, the Rockies finally struck back. No ace when you need him, Glavine contemplates a breakfast of grits when he gets home. Mets starter Tom Glavine was battered over five innings for 10 hits and 7 runs although it wasn't until the 3rd inning that the deluge began in earnest. Prior to that the Mets looked as though they were going for the jugular in Game 3, pouncing on Colorado starting pitcher rookie Ubaldo Jimenez for a pair of runs in both the first and second innings for a 4-0 lead. In the top of the first, Luis Castillo once again ignited ...

Apologies to the night staff and beer porters who have patiently awaited the latest edition of the Mets What If Season. This Crystal Ball of Unhappened Circumstances is a bit blurry at the best of times and in the glorious haze of nearly watching the Yank Me's swept up in a neat little pile, reality took a little bite of time. In any event, one hopes in this series of uncertainty, Game Two will be followed swiftly by the simulated game three and so on. With the Cubbies swiftly floating out of the postseason as ridiculously as they entered it, the Mets late season swoon appears to be history. The second stellar pitching performance in a row begs the question of whether the Mets starting rotation is suddenly this good or has the Rockie offensive juggernaut and unfathonable dream team finally hit an intergalactic glitch in the fantasy ride to the World Series? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - - - - - - - - Rockies ...

In the spirit of "what if" scenarios and perhaps simply because it ent over until I say it is, the Army is pretending that the Mets actually defeated the Marlins, knocking D Train out of the box in the 3rd, following 6 strong shutout innings by Glavine (how now THERE'S a preposterous scenario), a pair of homers by Delgado and a 7-3 victory whilst the Phillies were upset by the Nats by a 5-3 margin. What that means of course is that instead of the most humiliating fall from grace in the history of the Mets narrowly snatched victory from the maw of defeat and lived to play another series... The theory is, why should *I* miss out on all the fun simply because Willie and the Boyz decide to dog it the last month of the season? Thus, for the foreseeable future, Archie Bunker's Army will be presenting Mets Postseason 2007 . Pedro Leaves to a standing "O" in the top of the 8th... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E - - - - - ...

HOUSE CLEANING Bye Bye 1. Glavine (times up) 2. El Duque (2 consecutive seasons unavailable as a starter for precisely the time of year he was obtained for. times up) 3. Castillo (those knees are just too beaten to last another full season, not worth another contract) 4. Lo Duca (passion only goes so far) 5. Guillermo Mota (no need to explain) 6. Shawn Green (one of the best hitters towards the end of the season but a defensive liability and simply not worth an extension) 7. Schoeneweiss (don't let the door hit you on the way out) 8. Aaron Sele (ditto) 9. Willie (Joe Girardi) 10. Rickey (fired from a cannon) 11. Billy Wagner - (let's face it, he'll never win the big one, historically not as bad as Armandogeddon but he is an Armandogeddon waiting to happen - are you comfortable with him closing Game 7 if we were ever to get there?) Stay 1 Wright (the backbone) 2 Reyes (needs his head straightened) 3. Beltran (can't argue with his numbers but the passion?) 4. ...

Hello, God? I promise never to do another Subway commercial if you just give us a few more wins....? Amazing that the game started very similar to the disaster the day before. Friday night Uggla drew a one out walk in the first inning and was driven home by Hermida's two-run homer that set the tone for the rest of the game. Saturday, Uggla again drew a one out walk in the first inning only this time was part of a strike 'em out throw 'em out as Hermida whiffed and Castro threw out Uggla trying to steal. Entirely different omen. 19 hits and 13 runs later the Mets had held up their end of the bargain breaking their free-fall losing streak and waiting to learn their fate, unaccustomed as they are this season to needing some help from the Phillies. As though all the suffering had reached it's climax the Mets came out hard and fast scoring a pair in the 1st inning, three in the 2nd and three more in the 3rd to give the Mets a daring 8-0 lead. Despite a 8.24 ERA over his...

And to herself she cries, "Oh misery! Oh misery! "Oh woe is me! oh misery!" It was about as close as the Mets have come this season to a "must win" game and as in the 7 preceding games, they didn't. The renewed vibrancy at Shea didn't prevent a first inning homerbomb by Jeremy Hermida out the Mets two runs in the hole before Oliver Perez had gotten the second out of the game. No more smiling now... The common consensus was that Jose Reyes had to get the Mets started and started early, especially down 2-0. Instead, Reyes went down on strikes watching a slider leading off the bottom of the 1st. Two bad omens for a team that had gone 14 innings without a run, even if they were going against, in B.Y. Kim, a mug who had gone 0-4 in 4 starts against the Mets, giving up 21 runs in less than 20 innnings. Not enough jersey to hide your face in humiliation. Perez wasn't much better the rest of his brief outing either, puking up six runs in only 3 2/3 innin...

Well, if you’re desperate for silver linings in clouds take solace. At least you won’t have to root for the Braves anymore. And whilst the 10th loss in 14 games, the 7th consecutive loss at Shea Stadium was the worst of the 159 game old season, by far the most humiliating and worrying of the season, whilst the Mets have surrendered a 7-game NL Least lead and now stand empty-handed, tied with the dreaded Phillies for Phirst, there are still at least three games left in the season. Three games to redeem themselves. Three games to wake up from their collective nightmare. Three games to salvage what is at the moment, potentially the most degrading and demoralising collapse in baseball history. Bring on the Marlins? Don't Cry For Me Mister Met Fans... Perhaps Pedro is the only blameless Met given how well Pedro pitched, how good he looked throwing 105 pitches giving up two earned runs. But even the Myth of the Mighty Mr Pedro is depleted because the reality was, Pedro was outpitc...

Looks like University of Illinois! ***** Six straight games lost at home. 9 losses in their last 13 games. 57 runs for Nats in their last 6 games against the Mets, 22 in their last 3. Thankful for the early 5-0 lead or Praying For A Win? But hey, good news Willie! The Mets pitching held the Nats to under double digits tonight! So let's see, with the Mets in the middle of a Massive Collapse , struggling to maintain a rapidly dwindling lead in the NL East, on the verge of an historic collapse and who comes out to the mound for the Mets? Superman ? Pedro ? Cy Young ? Nope. Phillip Humber . Phillip Humber, you decide, better or worse than Tom Glavine ? Four innings, six hits, five runs and two walks. Should El Duque should have started? Of course not! Let's save him for the 7th inning... The lead is down to one tiny little game. The Death Watch Continues... Against the Nats, the Nats mind you, a 5-0 lead, a 6-2 lead...pfffffft. Air out of the tire and the next thing you know,...

Most night's the whipping boy can be the bullpen. Sure, they're overtaxed in some spots, simply incompetent for the job in others but by and large, the bullpen is the expert in being The Goat. Oh well, now that I think about it, sometimes it's the inexperienced or incapable starting pitching; the Unmechanical Maine , the Pitched-Well-In-Spots Pelfrey , the Oliver Perez who occasionally channels the Ghost of Zambrano . And yes, come to think of it, sometimes it's fielding buffoonery, sloppy baserunning, sometimes it's a lack of clutch hitting. In fact, the Mets seem capable of losing for just about any reason, under any set of circumstances. And if they're weren't enough excuses already, on the tail end of losing two in a row to the lowly Nats they will throw untested Phillip Humber on to the mound in the middle of a heated pennant race with a steadily dwindled NL Least lead at stake! Well when you think of it, why not Humber? After all, what did future ...

I fully expected to return home from yet another four or five day hiatus into the void catching up on all the stories of the Mets having risen to the challenge, the bullpen righting itself, the Phillies squashed and Willie setting up his postseason rotation. Instead I rub my hands together, turn on the computer and start reading one rotten story after another; Willie can't manage, the rotation is in shreds, the bullpen still sucks, and Reyes continues to be mired in a deep slump. The Phillies are not only NOT dead but sit on the precipice of knocking the Mets from the top of the NL East with another pair of crap Met performances. Shall I sit on my hands like Willie and talk about urgency and how the time is now? Of course this was cute a week ago, like a baby belching, this little swoon was charming in its own silly little way. Sure, the Mets were playing like mugs but the NL East had been a long competition of out-mediocre'ing each other all season long and a few more days o...

Well, one 8-4 victory over the hapless Nats and the world seems a little rosier. Happy days are here again, The skies above are clear again, So let's sing a song of cheer again, Happy days are here again. All together, shout it now! There's no one who can doubt it now. So let's tell the world about it now, Happy days are here again. Your cares and troubles are gone, There'll be no more from now on! ***** Just one Jorge Sosa relief performance that didn't mimic the last month's 6.75 ERA (worse even than Guillermo Mota's 6.35 ERA over the same period). Just one Mike Pelfrey victory, the man who looked like he'd never win in a Met's uniform this season on his way to an 0-7 start, gutting out an ugly performance with a little run support after the Mets had scored more than five runs only once in his 11 previous starts. Just one victory after 5 losses in a row, combined with the end to the Phillies winning streak and for one day anyway, all the derisive...

Hey, let's hear it for the Mets! They finally made it through 9 innings without an error! Ok, enough of the good news. Let's resume our death watch of the New York Mets, once the indominable force of the NL East now a patient etherised upon a table . So, did you hear the one about the Nats scoring scoring 8 earned runs and getting 11 hits in less than 5 innings against John Maine ? A real bloody knee-slapper, that one. Almost as funny as the one about those same Nats scoring 12 runs on 13 hits the night before that. Stop! You're making me piss myself with laughter! I mean let's be realistic, you're talking about a team that lost 83 out of 149 games they'd played up until they met the Mets. Not even the Phillies...well, nevermind. And Maine performed his characteristic Unmechanical Maine Meltdown in the 5th yet again for all his adoring fans; you can almost set your bloody watch by it by now, I give it a 75, Mr Clark , I like the lyrics but it is hard to ...