Archie Bunker's Army

Sure, you can say that Sean Green surrendered the game-breaking grand slam to Albert Pujols in the top of the 10th last night and blame him but let's face it, in the top of the 9th with a two run lead and your star closer, the guy you signed in the offseason precisely for this kind of situation, coming in, that's a game you win right there or you can forget it. Tragic, Frankie Boy. Simply tragic. So Frankie Boy , maybe it's best the Mets are all but mathematically eliminated from the playoffs already. Just think of the heart ache we'd be spared us in September when he gives up a few key runs in vital pennant-losing losses against the Phillies or Marlins or Braves to see the Mets knocked out of the race. Note to D'oh-Mar (who we all know despite the desire of every Mets fan is going to be back next season whether we like it or not because that's how the Wilpons roll, lathered in stupidity....): better make sure to re-sign Hillybilly Wagner next season to you...

First of all, where is David Wright's beard? I know he's a kid, or looks like a kid and he's got a helium voice and doesn't always hit in the clutch but by crikey, when your team has pledged to grow beards until you reach .500 and you fall 5 games below .500 against one of the worst teams in the league, a team even worse than your own team, you expect a manchild like David Wright to grow a flippin beard in solidarity. I don't even see any peachfuzz on his face. It ent David Wright's beard, that's for sure. ***** Now as for the game itself, a bucket to puke in will suffice. For one, Nelson Figueroa, who was on fire with Buffalo (let that be a lesson, a la Cory Sullivan: being hot in Buffalo don't mean jack in the Major Leagues so the next time in our pathetic yearning for answers we point out what so and so is doing in Buffalo, don't listen. Buffalo doesn't hold any answers for this sad sack collective. Buffalo is a wasteland of talentless wan...

Well, the magical lineup is no more. The perfect summary to the season; rain and hands in your mouth Jerry went to the well once more with the B-lineup and unlike the previous 6 times, it wasn't sufficient to get the Mets a victory. Instead they watched Jon Garland master them for a complete game victory and another loss dropping them deeper into the oblivion. Is this misery at knowing his pitched like rubbish or that he's resembled Ollie in doing so? Pelf pitched much like Ollie the night before; ineffectively, throwing well over 100 pitches in 5 innings of work and whilst not surrendering a ton of runs, the ineffectual, big pitch count outing led to the early appearance of the bullpen and not surprisingly, more runs. Pelf made way for Sheffield and gave Jerry a hard fist pump in the dugout after he'd taken off his batting helmet to make way for Sheff, who ripped what seemed like an RBI single but ended up in the first baseman's glove to temper the rally. The no...

A batting order with Angel Pagan batting leadoff, Murph batting cleanup, Cory Sullivan hitting 6th followed by Alex Cora , the enemic Brian Schneider followed by the pitcher is hardly frightening. It's laughable. It's minor leagueish. Yet with precisely that batting order the Mets won 5 in a row before this Diamondback series and after two straight losses using a different lineup, Willie wised up and returned to that same order that was so successful earlier. Pagan's blast kept the Mets undefeated in August, his first homer in two years. I mean what the hell, the season has already seen its fair share of weird moments. Why shouldn't a batting order like that end up keeping the Mets afloat until all their superstars make their magical comebacks? Last night that those four banjo hitters (excluding Murph who seems certain to bust out again before the end of the season and prove his great natural hitting skills) combined for 6 hits and 7 RBIs including Pagan's ...

Yeah, I'll admit it. After the Mets won their 5th in a row, battering the Rockies by a 7-0 margin with a lineup that included the likes of not only Alex Cora but Angel Pagan , Scott Sullivan AND Angel Berroa , I allowed myself a modicum of optimism. Flawless, for a start. I started getting so drunk with optimism that I'll admit again, I thought gee, maybe now D'oh!-Mar could finish his apologies in time to find a brain in Oz and figure out a way to dupe Indians GM Mark Shapiro into taking F-Mart , Bobby Parnell , Omir Santos and a combination of nobodies who will never amount to nothing for V-Mart . Angel Prays To The Ump For one because I want to see the back of F-Mart as soon as possible. If he has any value left now that his 5-tool myth and his flower-like fragility have been exposed once and for all, that is. And for the other because after looking at the batting order Thursday afternoon it's painfully apparent, even if they can somehow manage a 5-run outbur...

Well, after a fortnight off I returned to these Mets tonight in the midst of an improbable three game winning streak, a former Mets Killah, Jeff Francoeur in a Mets uniform, the sacking of Mets assistant GM Tony Bernazard , public apologies from The Wilpons not, as one might expect for the dysfunctional mismanagement of the Mets rather for outbursts from Omar . No less controversy, no fewer problems. Same auld Mets. not sorry for Idiotic Management .327 with 14 RBI in 12 games since joining the Mets (while Church malingering for the Braves) Super Douche Egomaniac finally gone Super Douche Senior may have a hard time bullshitting his way out of the latest controversy Crikey, if these Mets aren't any good, walking wounded, fundamentally unsound all season long, mismanaged, misowned and crippled by poor planning and a mediocre farm system, these Mets certainly are interesting. Starting this evening, the incomparable Cory Sullivan in left field with Gary Sheffield on the involun...

Ok, so much for the myth that the Phillies suck at home. They just hadn't played the Mets yet. When my MLBTV phizzed out for the ten millionth time already this season in the second inning with the Mets already down by an insurmountable 1-0 margin, I decided, c'est tout pour moi maintenant . So, for the next fortnight, au revoir les Mets, au revoir MLBTV, two of the season's biggest disappointments before the All-Star break. I'm off to Paris yet again to scout new talent for the Mets. Hopefully they will find some of their own in the interim but this team, as it is currently, is unwatchable, just like MLBTV. A la prochain!

"Well, you know Ollie," manager Jerry Manuel said. "Ollie is not a command guy, so to speak. He is a guy that has control, but not necessarily command." We interrupt a second consecutive humiliating loss to the Phillies to bring you the exciting news that one loser ( Tim Redding ) is going to be replaced in the starting rotation by one of the more epic losers in recent Mets history, the Jorge Julio of Mets starters, none other than Oliver Perez . Go ahead and laugh. Laugh out loud. Slap your knee, roll on the floor, hold your side, let your teeth fall out you laugh so hard. And on 4th of July, the Mets caused more anguish and emotional upset. Not more than ever before, my god, those days have long passed; this is a terminal patient you're now just waiting would die already so you can get on with your life, these Mets. Yesterday, another defensive debauchery perfectly emblematic of why this team, injuries or not, is going nowhere fast. You could make the argu...

You know, at one point, I dunno, when it was 7-0 or so, I thought fuck, maybe they can lose by more than they lost to the Yankees. I mean why not, it's our second biggest rival, right? You know what's best about getting crushed by your arch rivals? You don't have to watch two games at once to calculate out how far behind you've fallen in the standings. Did you see how the Mets failed to cover 2nd base allowing Jimmy Rollins of all people, get there untouched in the 3rd inning after he'd driven those runs home? Sound fundamental baseball those Mets play for us. Fernando Tatis , second baseman, wandering out there like he was lost in the desert. Perhaps we won't even talk about the 8th, dropped balls, ignored balls, what's the difference? The Mets already knew they were going to lose by then. Livan did a spot-on imitation of Tim Redding last night. As for the ugliness of the game itself, wow Livan . Seven runs, 10 hits and four walks in a little more...

Try as they might, the Mets simply couldn't give this game away but perhaps that's what happens when you meet your Triple AAA match in a Major League game. Capps could certainly dunk on Tatis, if it ever came up... Tim Redding , the post-modern Ollie Perez , was absolute rubbish yesterday, an embarrassment to all pitchers, worldwide, lasting only one out into the third inning before giving way to the likes of Nowhereman Misch after nearly blowing the game early, 5 earned runs, 6 hits, two walks and a hit batsman as the Mets fell behind by what in most Met games is an insurmountable 5-0 margin. It's raining Met victories all the sudden, two in a row... I don't know about the rest of you but it was about then I was torn between vomiting in disgust and finishing construction of my Tim Redding Urinal Cakes . But lo and behold, these Pirates, they are determined to stink worse than the Mets and even against a marginal lineup with a semi-pro batting order feel to it, their p...

It had to happen sometime. Surely the Mets couldn't lose every game they played the rest of the season. Not even with that pathetic lineup they roll out every night. The New Mets Beefcake And with Big Pelf pitching like he never had before, all the of the sudden the Brewers were beatable. The big play came in the 7th when Prince Fielder , in his Manny Ramirez baggy, oversized clown uniform ran himself out of the inning - it was almost certain after he was balked over by Pelf that Pelf would immediately see his composure meltdown but a brainy play by David Wright to allow a sure sacrifice bunt roll foul, followed by the pick off of Fielder was a rare moment of Mets competence. Savour it, you might not see such action again for a long while. Wright, by the way, three exceptionally pathetic flailing strikeouts (two with a man in scoring position) and a weak grounder to go along with another one of his patented "Oh I'll just throw it somewhere in the vicinity of first base...

Let's see, Mets ace Johan Santana against uh, Mike Burns , a guy who had NEVER won a game in the Major Leagues. You're not going to get a much more one-sided pitching match up than that. And to make matters look even more like a laughter, David Wright hit a two-run homer in the first to give Santana all the cushion he'd need. Yes, Johan. Sadly, it's STILL the Mets you are pitching for... And yet even still, it wasn't enough for the Mets. Not even close. You could blame all sorts of people, if you could work your way far enough out of the apathetic malaise to bring yourself to care any more. Martinez's swan dive in the 4th was almost worth the price of the ticket alone. Not content with making an out every time he comes to the plate, Fernando Martinez performed a little Daniel Murphy-rodeo clown skit in center field in the 4th inning, falling over his own feet, face-first and letting an easy fly ball land safely over his head. The fourth inning was filled...

"We're a below-average team, period. That's all you can say," Jerry Manuel reflecting on the team he manages. Well, well. The cat is finally out of the bag. The dream stops here. All it took was a guy who'd been released by the Houston Astros, a guy whom the Mets had a suddenly started to rely upon as their 2nd best starter, coming apart at the seams against the suddenly first place Milwaukee Brewers. That and 19 hits surrendered. 11 by Nieve alone in less than four innings pitched. That and the three game sweep by the Yankees. That and the decimation of the batting order. That and dropping to third in the NL East. But let's be fair, the Mets milked as much out of Nieve as was probably possible. Three good starts. Against the Yankees, Rays and Cardinals in order. Next up? Whew, look out on the horizon and there's the Titanic, looking for icebergs; Oliver Perez . I like that Omar is "trying" to look for a deal . I mean, why should he a...

You'd think automatically that in most seasons, getting swept by your cross town rivals including a finale on national television and at the hands of Mariano Rivera making history ,you'd have hit the low point of the season. Does it even count as a MLB statistic considering it came against the Mets? Oh yeah, and before I forget, letting a guy like Chien-Ming Wang , a starter so bad he seems almost tailor-made for a Mets uniform, earn his first win of the season after getting absolutely shelled in every start he'd made prior to this all season. But when you're fielding a pathetic lineup involving a batting order oozing with mediocrity and inexperience due to injury, when you've already lost to these Yankees by a ridiculous 15-0 margin, the bar for humiliation has already been set pretty high. You almost want to see these Mets put down, just to put them out of their misery. It's like watching a half-team take on a full team, amateurs against professionals and whi...

Well now, that's an aggregate of 24-1 in the last two games. We've got the Yank-Mees right where we want them; cocky and over-confident. Just watch these Mets roll now! Yep, that's right, Mr Rocky Outing himself Innings Eater Pelf made it through five whole innings last night again, a lasting achievement for a bloke who has averaged almost precisely 5 innings per start this month. To his credit he wasn't abominable in for those 5 innings although it did take him some 93 pitches to make it before the ignominy of being replaced by Pat Misch in the 6th. The minor ignominy of course was being pinch hit for by Argenis Reyes which is like asking your cat to do your calculus homework. Pelf's ERA for June is a sparkling 6.39 demonstrating his growing experience in the Majors is having an impressive effect. Misch and Elmer Dessens , no shock, were wretched, combining for 3 earned runs and 3 walks over 2.2 innings to help bury the Mets deeper. I told these dumb bast...

The left field warning track got some serious work yesterday, first in the 2nd inning when Albert Pujols' fly ball died out there in the 2nd inning with the bases loaded and then again in the 9th when Yadier Molina's shot off a disconcerting Frankie Boy with two men on died to end the game. Both times, the Mets fragile hold on the game was saved. And if you think that was close, think about the 4th inning when Nick Evans , the proverbial lightening in a bottle since getting his chance back up from the minors, hit a two run double to give the Mets a lead they wouldn't relinquish. Had it not been for Chris Carpenter deflecting David Wright's certain double play grounder, the rally would never have had wind in its sails to begin with. F-Mart , showing zero proclivity at the plate, added at least two fielding gems out in centerfield which doesn't in its entirety redeem another O-fer outing which dropped his batting average down to .167, but at least partially jus...

Losing Carlos Beltran and gaining Elmer Dessens and Pat Misch is no way to go into a four game series against the well-managed St Louis Cardinals but that's what these miserable, snake-bitten Mets had to face last night. Alright for one, Omar waking up and bringing some fresh arms into the pen was a relief in and of itself although I can't say as I necessarily agree with the choice of who. Dessens has stumbled in his last few outings in Buffalo (try five earned runs in a total of 2 1/3 closer innings and you might come away unimpressed) and while he has big league experience, experience itself is not sufficient qualities. As for Misch, yeah, a guy with a 6.14 ERA in the minor leagues is not usually high on your list for promotion. But not if you're Omar, right? Now bringing Fmart back up straight away after he's obviously not ready, another smart move? Ok yes, Beltran sitting out until what is likely to be after the All Star game if not longer (let Reyes be yo...

You have to wonder about Jerry's bullpen acumen, using the same clowns over and over and over again. Or maybe you have to wonder if Omar is on fucking holiday. Maybe you can excuse his hands being tied by their own rubbish farm system in executing a trade for a decent bat or two to take some of the heat off of Wright and Beltran but this slow to the take sort of movement on hitters and pitchers is starting to make the Mets bleed more and more games. The bullpen sucks, they need help. How much more bloody obvious does it have to be? For about five minutes yesterday, the Mets could be happy. The rest of the time, a miserable foreshadowing to what remains a miserable season. Stokes came in for only an inning and then, after Scheider's happily unexpected three-run homer gave the Mets a slim one run lead, Jerry calls on Bobby Parnell to hold the lead in the 7th. Bobby Parnell has been crap lately, can't get any body out. So why is he out there trying to hold a one ru...

Well now, there's a shocker. Game on the line, one man on, two out, tying run at the plate and David Wright , the ice cold David Wright, not the red hot David Wright, swings at two consecutive dirt balls to strike out on three pitches and end the game. That's David Wright, Ice Ice Baby: Look at that ball. It's almost underground. One good thing, one relief, is seeing confirmation for 7 innings that perhaps Johan Santana isn't suffering from some mysterious ailment after all. Last night was vintage Johan and vintage Mets - Santana gave up only two earned runs over 7 innings and the Mets scored one run in support, just like the old days. Not good but better than 15-0 to your cross town rivals, you have to admit. New York, the new London? And where were the Mets tonight? Not at the plate, for certain. After the 3rd inning they went down without so much as a whimper until Beltran's single with two out in the 9th. And even that, as we know, stifled by David Wrig...