Archie Bunker's Army

"You win championships with a 25-man roster." Omar Minaya Well, you certainly don't win them with 10 man rosters. Nonetheless, whilst the temptation is to maintain a steady drone of hi-fidelity off-season whinge, I am now in a position to reluctantly admit that with hindsight, the off-season hasn't been the unmitigated disaster we all like to believe it's been. True, there is no shortage of Manny Wanters , those irresponsible minds who believe all problems can be solved by throwing money at them, (I mean really, why MUST the Mets sign Manny, just for the additional headaches and nausea sure to follow?)but in the meantime, Omar has been a reasonably good job at building the 2009 Mets. Lest yea forget, months ago, the bullpen was the biggest Achilles Heel in the history of baseball, (for those in love with hyperbole). Now look at it. A weakness turned into a strength. PLUS, no more having to watch Heilman hang his homer surrender monkey head or listening to Sch...

What a holding pattern. After the desperate Braves shook up the regime by paying over the odds for Derek Lowe and calling Omar's bonehead bluff to keep the sales figures low, the quiet on the free agent starting pitcher front has been deafening. Not that the Mets don't desperately need a starting pitcher to complete the rotation, ( Omar just spent a month's worth of vocal chords explaining to the world why he has to take care of the "pitching situation" first ), as though its some dirty little secret that can't be spoken about openly, i.e. that other than Omar, no one appears much interested in Oliver Perez or the rest of the lot at the minute. But I can't help but wondering we've somehow missed the boat and we're kicking around other peoples' garbage here, shopping in some pathetic third world trinket market for something a forgotten relative will find charming in an enigmatic sort of way a few months down the road. Hell, even Johan has chim...

So the Braves have given Derek Lowe another year but only $4 million more on a deal to get him . $4 million more. You have to wonder why the Mets didn't up their offer without increasing the length of the deal. Could it be because Omar is infatuated with Oliver Perez despite Olly's hair-pullingly frustrating penchant for lapses in concentration and focus? That Omar, despite his offseason moves, deep down loves to confound and demoralise Met supporters with puzzling moves? Can't speak for his motivations other than well, he likes Olly. Wants to make him a cabana boy for Yacht Club of September Choke and give him scads of cash and years to blow it in. But if he wasn't willing to part with enough beans to sign Lowe leaving Olly as the de facto favourite, why isn't auld Randy Wolf getting a closer look? Their numbers were nearly identical last season. Wolf had two more victories in one less start despite a 0.08 higher ERA. Wolf had a FAR better walk to strik...

Still pondering whether or not this is a joke: Mets new uni "patch" to commerate the mockery of the franchise... Frighteningly similar to Domino's Pizza logo. Well, well. The Chimps in the Mets marketing department should be congratulated for their consistency. This is what a little less than a year after that idiotic theme song which turned out to be an Rick Astley internet hoax. No one ever bothered to listen to my theme song . But really, rubbish logo, rubbish songs, choking dog team, what a laughable combination. But wait, it gets worse! According to this reliable source , with the Braves so desperate, they've offered the 35 year old Derek Lowe a four year $60 million contract leaving the Mets to slop up the messes of the likes of Oliver Perez for another excruciating three year period. Of course, nothing's official yet. Maybe it's all another internet hoax.

If the latest rumour mill is to be believed, the Mets appear to be close to signing Tim Redding to fill the fifth spot in the rotation. Smart move, if it comes to pass. Once you've carefully read the headline and realised after the initial shock, that thank christ, Redding isn't meant to be the answer to the stall in the negotiations to sign Derek Lowe . And of course, once you've gotten past the initial nausea of thinking jesus, the bottom-dwelling Nats didn't even tender this guy a contract even though he led the team in wins so what's wrong with him? Well, if you read this you'll find that as a rotation star, he was rubbish, however as a fifth starter... "The more you look at it, the more last year's Tim Redding seems like the "real Tim Redding" durably giving you a bunch of innings barely worth that of a 5th starter. Of course there is value in just having innings eaten up. The Nats bullpen has annually been killed by the fact the team...

Before we wake up in a pile of our own sick sometime around 11 am on the first day of 2009, it might be a good time to have a quick look 'round at the Highlights and Lowlights of another miserable season, 2008. But first, a mini photo montage: The return of the rollercoaster, number one favourite photo of the season.... Jose makes the crazy, Who Me Choke? face, yet again. Hey Jose, don't look now but it's September! Remember this Jose Bonehead Brainfart Against the Phillies in July? What a minute, how about Bonehead getting picked off against the Yank-Mes in June? Need More Oxygen To Point to the Sky! Frame It! Castillo Actually Awake During a Game, Though Barely... Yup, Head Still Attached to Neck... The Hall of Fame of Mediocre Mets Managers Look familiar? Another Blown Game By Schoeneweis Don't Worry Oliver, Soon enough you'll be pitching like crap for even more money! What a relief you're gone! Mr Met Concussion, 2008 Yeessss, give Mr Mediocre More Money! ...

One of the sickly sad things immediately following the second consecutive Mets September collapse was not just the collapse itself but the gargantuan wish list many Mets fans produced as a result. I had to stop listening to the FAN after those first few games, reliving the bitterness and hearing the Mets needed to immediately sign CC , K-Rod and Manny . It did cross my mind early yesterday when reading that Mark Teixeira suitors like the Angels and the Red Sox were dropping out of the Sweepstakes that it was plenty similar to the early chase for Johan last season and how the Mets swooped in at the last minute, unexpectedly, to surprise baseball with the trade that changed the Mets' rotation. And admittedly, I did allow a little crumb of hope that Omar would do something similar this season with Teixeira; swoop in at the last minute with a double move, trading Carlos Delgado to the Angels in return for a few draft picks and simultaneously announcing the signature of Tex to a Me...

Ok, we've all had time to digest the recent flurry of moves Omar put on the rest of baseball (bar the Yankees who defied the times and threw money at anything that moved, outbidding themselves where needed just to feel secure...)and having digested we're perhaps beginning to discover a little too much time on the toilet as a result? Let's start with K-Rod himself. Have it, Phillies Wankers... It's admirable that he's out there shooting off his mouth before he's even found a home in the NYC area for his family. Sure, K-Rod represents half of the one-two punch Omar has thrown to rejuvinate the Mets rubbish bullpen but let's look at reality for just a tick here...the Phillies, after their leader proclaimed them the team to beat in the Spring of 2007 and even after the Mets team leader proclaimed the Mets the team to beat in the Spring of 2008, won the NL East both times and of course, the World Championship in '08, deservedly or not. So claiming to be th...

What's this, Omar has finally learned the auld one-two, the body blow followed by the uppercut? Bullpen worries TKO'd? One day after doing the predictable by signing K-Rod, Omar reaffirmed in part anyway, his reputation as a GM's GM by turning a crazy auld-school three-way trade to net JJ Putz , reliever Sean Green and outfielder Jeremy Reed in exchange for Aaron Heilman , Endy Chavez and Joe Smith . What this means of course is that the number one concern going into the winter meetings, namely a rubbish bullpen, has been in large part alleviated. We might even be able to start breathing again although there's still the issue of a pair of starters, a left fielder and a second baseman to consider as holes waiting to be plugged. Addition by addition AND addition by subtraction. So the bullpen worries are pretty much over. Yes, there's a little more tweaking to do but Omar has fixed the biggest problem. And who isn't happy to see Heilman go? Who was still hol...

Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherized upon a table; Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, The muttering retreats Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question... Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" Let us go and make our visit. from 'The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock' by another expat who lived in England, T.S. Eliot (editors note: the proverbial ink had barely begun to dry on the opening paragraphs of what was to be my inaugural post upon return from my annual Met sabbatical when suddenly and without warning, just as I was prepared to launch into a bitter tirade about the inactivity of the Mets front office, wham! They go and sign K-Rod. For the sake of purity of art and to symbolise the retroactive nature of offseason bile, the opening paragraphs h...

In a bizarre announcement the Mets decided yesterday to abandon their efforts to advance further in the Second Annual What If The Mets HADN'T Blown It Again fantasy playoffs. "The season is over," an anonymous team source reported exclusively to Archie Bunker's Army in the wee hours of the morning. "We now believe our participation in some sort of weird 'what if' scenario is actually counter productive to moving forward from the humiliation of a second consecutive September collapse," the anonymous source, head covered by a blue and orange balaklava, reitterated in terse tones. Later, the Qatar-based Arabic news channel, Al Jazeera , announced receipt of the audio tape purportedly from Mets third baseman David Wright . Portions were broadcast in which Wright bitterly denounced Archie Bunker's Army for furthering the myth that Ollie Perez was capable of the pitching performance alleged to have taken place in Game 3 of the Second Annual What...

For 7 1/2 tense innings the Mets and supporters at Shea finally had something other than Santana's knee injury to worry about. True enough, Oliver Perez , in a likely bid for big bucks, pitched last night as he never had before in a Mets uniform despite a pretty decent record against top opponents. A two-hit complete game shut out however, was in danger of being wasted until the decisive 8th. "Today, that was the real Ollie," Perez said, keeping the inflatable imposter stuffed in his battered suitcase. "If we can get Ollie to be consistent, which has been the dilemma for him his whole career, we will have an excellent pitcher, no question," Mets manager Jerry Manuel said. "Just don't tell Scott Boras that." Cubs starter Rich Harden was cruising along on his own, having allowed only a single to Ryan Church through seven innings. It looked for all the world like the game would come down to the pens, a thought that made Shea uneasy to say the l...

He carried the Mets to the brink five days ago following a brilliant 125 pitch outing with an even more heroic 3 hit shutout on only 3 days rest but last night in Game 2 of the Division Series, Johan Santana had finally shot his wad. Exiting the game for a pinch hitter in the 5th Santana had given up 4 earned runs, walking a career high 6 batters and worse still, complaining of left knee pain which is rumoured to be a possible torn meniscus. Pain was the name of the game last night "I was going for it," Santana said afterwards, clearly as dejected as the rest of his team. "We worked really hard between this start and the last one to make sure my arm, my legs, everything was in place. But this time, it was simply too much" The pain clearly effected his delivery, hence his difficulty finding the strike zone. The Cubs, desperate for a win, took advantage in the 2nd inning when a walk to Geovany Soto was followed by a Jim Edmonds double. With two outs and men on 2n...

Jerry Manuel prophesied after the Mets dramatic win on Sunday in the 9th inning over the Marlins that they were primed for "good things". Last night, for openers anyway, he was right. Mike Pelfrey , whose unexpected emergence solidified the rotation this season, opened a star-studded Wrigley Divisional Playoff by throwing 8 surprisingly solid innings, scattering 8 hits and a trio of walks to allow only a single run before exiting for a pinch hitter in the 9th with the score tied in his first-ever post season start. "Nervous? I vomited so much before the game I was almost dehydrated," the young staradmitted afterwards. The Cubs opened the scoring in this dramatic pither's duel when Mike Fontenot RBI single scored Derrek Lee in the bottom of the 6th for a 1-0 led. Although the Mets managed only 3 hits in the first 7 innings off of an uncharacteristically wild Ryan Dempster , who walked 7 on the night, after 7 innings of typically frustrating inability to capi...

Once again, in blissful ignorance, ABA presents the Second Annual What If The Mets HADN'T Blown It Again fantasy playoffs. Cautiously optimistic Tonight the Mets will open in Chicago at 6:30. Probable pitching matchups: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 6:30 p.m @ Chicago M. Pelfrey (13-11) v Dempster (17-6) Thursday, October 2, 2008 9:30 p.m @ Chicago J. Santana (16-7) v Zambrano (14-6) Saturday, October 4, 2008 6:00 a.m. @ Shea Perez (10-7) v Harden (10-2) Sunday, October 5, 2008 TBD @ Shea TBD v Lilly (17-9) Tuesday, October 7, 2008 TBD @ Chicago TBD v TBD Experts are picking the Cubs in 4. Tonight's rumoured lineup: Reyes ss Beltran cf Delgado 1b Wright 3b Murphy lf Martinez 2b Church rf Schneider c

You could say at leasr they hadn't blown the season after a half inning like last year but you'd be lying to yourself. Last year was like ripping the bandage off. Yesterday was like getting a bone rebroken because it didn't heal right the first time. I could moan about Schoeneweis and Ayala giving up those consecutive homers in the 8th. But that would diminish the pathetic choke of managing only five runs against Marlin pitching in three games. You want to hang some bullseyes? Jose Reyes . after the September he had last season, 2 for 13 against the Marlins was disgraceful. Especially because he is the motor of the offense. When he chokes, the Mets have no offense. Maybe he shouldn't be getting 688 at-bats in a season. Maybe he needs rest more often. Something tells me he's got to go and now, whilst he's young and fast and popular. He'll be worth alot. Wright , .340 in September but 0 for 4 last night. Yes, 4 hits in this series. All fucking singl...

Yes, a 3 hit shutout on 3 days rest is brilliant. Bravo. Last year, game 161, Maine struck out like 14 Marlins and the Mets won by double digits. Look where it got them. The Brewers still have to lose. And go ahead, ask me: How do I feel about Oliver Perez starting with the season on the line? All I can say is he'll be hard pressed to do worse than Glavine's season finale in 2007. And even if he pitches like it is Game 4 of the 2006 NLCS, the Brewers still have to lose. But at least we bought ourselves a day and that Gangsta proved to be worth every penny. GO CUBS!

We've all been here uncountable times this season already, throwing our hands up in frustration and disbelief. We've seen the Marlins end our season before, far too recently. Have they done it again already? As it stands now, if the Brewers or Phillies don't lose again, the Mets season is over, regardless of what the Mets do. So of the many disappointments of last night's seemingly predictable result, the Mets no longer controlling their own fate has to be the most disappointing. After 160 games, the blame game matters least. After a rollercoaster ride of a series against the Cubs, last night's loss seemed almost anti-climactic, as though perhaps the fight in this team had been exhausted. Yes, Parnell allowed two runs without recording an out. Yes Feliciano threw one pitch and hit a batter. Yes, Reyes was 0 for 5 which is really all you need to know about the disappearance of the offense. But it doesn't matter who's to blame anymore. It seemed a team...

Regretfully, I admit I quit. Nice one, douchebag. When Hoffpauir hit that three run shot off of Rincon in the 7th and in the pissing down rain, seconds after Pedro had made his graceful exit from the game, I snapped the game off and cursed myself to sleep. 158 games and and 6 1/2 innings of this up and down, high and low had finally taken it's toll. That and four consecutive nights of midnight starting times, virtual somnambulism. It was only human. Little did I know one night after the worst loss of the season the Mets would pick themselves up off the canvas once more and give us yet another night of survival. And in the morning, reluctantly reaching for the recorder to replay what was certain to be the final nail in the coffin, it suddenly became christmas morning three months early. I couldn't believe my eyes. METS 7 CUBS 6, misery postponed. Did you lose faith after Delgado grounded into a double play following Wright's lead off single in the 8th or did you wis...

How often it feels like you're living and dying with every pitch, euphoria effortlessly blending with despair as this pennant race reaches its zenith. Take the 8th, for example - down by 1, the Brewers winning in Pittsburgh, Delgado's leadoff double sent us soaring with hope. Then came Beltran's single, prevented from being an RBI single by Luis Aguayo's sudden conservative scaredy-cat decision to hold Delgado at third. Followed by the fear/knowledge it would be costly. Aguayo, you will recall, has a history of questionable decisions to send runners from third . Now he overcompensates. Can we bring back Willie to coach 3rd for the last four games of the season. And naturally, Choking Church K's to advance no one. Castro grounds out. Fear and disgust grows. Then Chavez gets mysteriously and intentionally walked to load the bases for Ramon Martinez which leads to confusion as many scramble to figure out who the hell he is. First game in September? Mets...