Archie Bunker's Army

It wasn't a thing of beauty but Pedro Martinez , coming on the heels of the slapstick start by Oliver Perez was sufficiently effective for an auld man coming back from a two month lay-off and the Mets won their 6th in the last 8 games. It doesn't amount to a season-changing charge, especially considering the Phillies and Braves are matching them win for win but let's face it, this certainly beats festering like open sores with every discouraging Met loss trying to conjure up daring new analogies and synonyms to describe the manager's professional incompetence and beat the hate bucket with a vicious intensity. Was Wandering Willie giving Pedro a true test by letting him throw 109 pitches in his return, was he trying to make up for the pitches not thrown in lost starts whilst on the DL? Did he realise too late that pulling Perez after less than an inning the night before was not the best way to prepare the bullpen for the return of a 36 year old man with dodgy body pa...

Oh C'mon. We knew all along the Mets were going to lose this game. They had their excuses premanufactured in some third world sweat shop days before the game even happened. "C'mong Hermano ", Delgado consoles Olly Perez during a low moment last night. "We dong need dees eshit meng. I gonna tell dem dey trade us to Peetsburgo for Xavier Nady eng two goats." Moaning about the schedule change to accommodate television (and thus the billions of hungry Mets fans across the UK), heaped upon a trans-continental flight to beautiful San Francisco to play in "baseball's perfect address" at AT&T Park and then get to play one of the crappiest teams in the NL West this season, well, not sure what there is to moan about here. The lads get paid millions to play a game, they aren't being relegated to the coal mines. I mean does this sound like Chinese water torture fellas? But look, they were pointing at this as a loss as early as last week so the ...

It's rather amusing in a way. If there's enough momentum down hill to get back up the hill again well... Last week, the Mets won a couple in a row, big ones, emphatic ones, ones which included double comebacks and helped dispel the rumours of ineffectual management, dire player apathy, etc. And yet no one was really ready to get fooled again into believing the Mets had turned the corner, that a significant hurdle had been well, hurdled. Each victory that followed (well, three of them in total sandwiched around one loss which can be attributed mostly to Heilman and partially to the idiot umpire who blew a call,) one could almost sense the reluctance to believe slowly shedding its skin. And yes last night's victory, on International telly was another notch in the bedpost of credibility but still we find ourselves fishing caveats out of the superlatives. Yes, they did it again but we've seen already how quickly the feel good can become nausea. Pelfrey discusses bus ticke...

Ok, feel free to shower Aaron Heilman with abuse. How do you spell Douchebag? Paging Mr Heilman. Paging Mr Can't Buy An Out To Save His Life Heilman... Too much to ask for, a little consistency. Yeah, he struck out 4 in a row the other night in the Mets' biggest win of the season but last night it was Stink-O-Rama as Heilman entered the game in the 8th with one run lead and departed it with an insurmountable deficit. 4 lousy batters, none of them out. All of them, with Scott Schoeneweiss helping to further Heilman's ridiculous outing, scoring. Now, if you want to play devil's advocate for Heilman you might say that absolute rubbish call to start the 8th, the one where Juan Pierre is called safe when he was clearly out for all the world to see bar the blind man who they had making the call, was not helpful. Sure, it's only one baserunner but sometimes it's only one baserunner required to get a rally started. You needn't look further than that 4th in...

Well now. Not only are the Mets winning but the nearly-unthinkable; Carlos Delgado looking like he wants to play baseball again, has occurred, for one game at least. Yes, the mantra about not losing one's head over a few victories when this team has raised hopes only to dash them almost immediately so many times already, is still applicable. Torre still looking more like a Mets manager than Willie... Ok, so what if they haven't had a three-game winning streak since April. So what if they've only just now returned to a meagre .500 mark. So what if their opponents, the Dodgers, have now lost 4 in a row and 6 of their last 7 without the Mets' and are having a low down of their own to swallow. And yes, so what if the Mets' personal punching bag, Brad Penny, was on the mound for the Dodgers. They still had to win this game because as everyone knows, including Delgado for a game anyway, games do not win themselves. Someone has to go out and win them. Not as fast as y...

Yeahyeahyeah. We've heard it all before. Mets win two games in a row and everyone starts chattering about ohhh, maybe this is it, maybe this is the big one, maybe this is where the Mets finally start playing like it was 2006 all over again. No, the Mets haven't just won the World Series, just two games in a row...against the Marlins. Sure, until last night, the Mets' record when trailing after 6 innings, that same ugly, familiar formula of losing, was 1-19. When trailing after 8 innings, 0-24. So this is not just a two-game winning streak, this is an almost unprecedented event for the 2008 Mets. A second victory, a series win, beating the first place team in the NL East (even if they are the Marlins) AND a come-from-behind, extra inning victory. New Mets unsung superhero Fernando Tatis with the manager-in-waiting, Jerry Manuel . Oh yeah, and this was a game Oliver Perez tried his damndest to blow. I mean if ever there was reason to despair, here it was staring everyo...

Well yes, the Army nearly marched off the face of the earth recently. But, having returned from the annual pilgrimage during which it is always been hoped the Mets turn around their fortunes and go on an unprecedented hot tear (which has yet to happen in the near last half dozen UK seasons running) I see the Mets won, hmmm, one hell, let's be crazy, mebbe even TWO games in my absence. Aye, well, success is always short-lived for these Metsies so I shant be holding me breath that they will take the series from the (gulp) still division-leading Marlins. Having reviewed the press clippings of recent doings in the absence of the Army I would humbly present the following observations at the Game 50 mark: "Here awa, there awa, wandering Willie, Here awa, there awa, haud awa hame! Come to my bosom, my ae only dearie, And tell me thou bring'st me my Willie the same." Robert Burns, Wandering Willie 1. Wandering Willie , aka Mr "It has to start somewhere" is still ...

Why bother with incremental hysteria at this sudden turn of fate? Just a few days ago there we all were, basking in the warmth of humiliating the bottom-dwelling Yankees and here we are now, three losses in a row to the Braves, each one a deeper dig into the fabric of optimism. Does it matter who the losing pitcher was last night or who failed to get the key hit or why Willie and His Boys , stunted by the racist media (oh, go ahead and apologise, what difference does it really make, the proof is in the losing anyway.) This isn't about expectation getting doused by mediocrity, this is about mediocrity coming to blossom. But take heart, fans. This is rock bottom. Nowhere to go from here but up!

Mets Quickly Crash To Earth l.jpg"> Let's see, getting swept in a doubleheader by the Atlanta Braves not bad enough for you? How about losing to Tom Glavine in the opening game to really rub our noses in it and letting someone with hmmm, let's see, ZERO career victories beat the Mets in the twilight for an encore. How about having Pedro wax poetic about an early retirement before he's even returned from the bloody Disabled List? Or Wandering Willie's bizarre and meandering comments about his management style and some sort of subtle racism alleged for not depicting him the way he would like to be portrayed as a swaggering hero with all the charm and brains of a beauty pageant contestant: This guy just OOZES passion, doesn't he? Don't let them racists in the media tell you different. "Well, my players are watching the monitors in the bullpen going, 'Look at Skip, he's cursing us out.' That's not how I lead. But when the game is ove...

Both New York teams edged into this series wounded and flailing within their respective divisions. The Yankees, down to the bottom of their division, were faring slightly worse than their Queens counterparts going in but would have been salvageable with at least a split in the two game rain-shortened Subway Series. Instead they were battered and deposed by their crosstown rivals and in turn, the Mets have given themselves a little lift, a little momentum to take with them on the road where they perform better, sans boo-birds,than at home. (The baseball gods are not kind to Carlos Delgado . For the first time in like three years, Carlos comes up with two men on base and doesn't strike out or ground into a double play or pop up uselessly to an infielder. Instead, he jacks a three-run homer only to be robbed by the monkey-brained umpiring crew. And perhaps an even bigger shock to the system was the resiliance in singling home a run anyway. Just don't cheer him and ask for a cu...

Well I dunno about the rest of the Mets world but even in victory yesterday, the kind of rousing victory that can snap tailspins, this game almost seemed more like a win by default than the Mets really seizing control. Willie survived the first game - what will happen if the Mets lose Sunday? Does the chorus calling for his head grow louder? Not just because the Mets went down like lambs against Petitte in the first inning or even Jeter's two-run homer in the bottom of the inning. But also because in the early stages of this game, the sense of fragility on this team was almost palpable. Yes, things began to break their way as early as the 3rd inning when Johnny Damon was thrown out at the plate. Like the Mets, the Yankees hitting is spotty at best and like the Mets, to overcompensate for this lack of hitting, they have been forced to take chances. Damon was one such chance and the Mets made them pay. Yet it wasn't a game to feel comfortable in. Even the 4th inning, when...

When was the last time the Mets faced the Yankees with the Yankees in last place in the AL East? Never. Whilst Mets fans can bemoan Willie's ongoing inability to form his team into one of discipline, togetherness and success, whilst they can ridicule and rain boo choruses down upon players like Aaron Heilman and Carlos Delgado , for their disappointing seasons, whilst they can sneer at the paucity of Met successes dating back to last September and piss and moan until the taps are turned off, at least they can be proud that unlike the Yankees, to date they are not in last place. They can also be thankful that for a change it is the Mets, not the Yankees who swung the deal of the winter in obtaining Johan Santana . The Yankees,as you recall, refused to part with any of their trio of young buck pitchers: Joba Chamberlain , Ian Kennedy or Phillip Hughes to obtain Santana. Joba the Mutt has a 4.30 ERA in May, including a staggering 11.25 ERA with runners in scoring position, leftie...

What a crap home stand. Say whatever you like about this game, the bottom line is the Mets lost three of four AT HOME to the Nats. That's like erectile dysfunction, not wanking off and certainly not getting laid. If you were going to try and conjure sexual metaphors for the frustration of last night's 1-0 loss, that is. Delgado perfects the Mr Anti-Clutch game losing face Try and turn this into a positive spin and the most you're going to get is an observation about Mike Pelfrey's sudden impact since he's stopped wearing that annoying mouthpiece. Last night it was a no-no into the 7th which ended in a hard-luck loss. Last time it was another narrow loss despite pitching well, that time against the Reds, another minor league quality side. If you're into comedy, you could point to Billy Wagner's second and third teammate back stabbings of the season, as equally justified as the first against Oliver Perez , this time when he gestured p...

Yes, it was a game that the Mets were lucky to stay close in considering the guy they sent out to the mound for them, Claudio Vargas , rushed up from Triple AAA, released by the Brewers in the last week of Spring Training, hadn't pitched a game for the Mets in his life. But Vargas surprised us all perhaps with his sort of stunning 3 hit,Standing Ovation sort of performance in the 7th. He certainly deserved a victory but within minutes of Aaron Heilman taking the mound in his stead, the Mets were behind 3-1 faster than you can say get this douchebag out of here. Should NY on Heilman's cap be replaced with the auld "L"? He's already been knocked down from set-up guy to set-up to set-up guy and one wonders where Heilman goes from here. Bullpen catcher? Trade bait for a few middling prospects to a team like the Brewers? The Long March To Obscurity At least credit him for being a man and not resorting to whingeing about the fans expressing themselves with a deep, ...

So many little stories for what seemed like a somewhat innocuous mid-May meeting between one middling team and one less-than-middling team from the National League East. Nelson Figueroa's ghost hovered around Shea last night even though he'd been mercifully set free, designated for assignment by the Mets following his lousy performance and rather sensational outburst against the Nats the night before. John Maine showed he's a team player by plunking the first Nat he faced, sending a message to the "softball girls" about their unprofessionalism the night before. Hardly shocking, considering the Nats roster of young but talented misfits. Or, considering how well Maine has pitched: he has allowed no more than two runs in seven straight starts, the longest streak of that nature by a Mets starter since Masato Yoshii had eight such starts at the end of his 1999 season. Church and Delgado yuck it up thinking about Delgado's bunt single, but don't cheer like s...

Nelson Figueroa's got it all wrong. "They were cheerleading in the dugout like a bunch of softball girls," Figueroa moaned about the antics of a dugout populated by the likes of Elijah Dukes and Lastings Milledge , the Bonnie and Clyde of young Major League prospects. "I'm a professional just like anybody else. I take huge offense to that. If that's what a last-place team needs to do to fire themselves up, so be it. They could show a little more class, a little more professionalism now that they won tonight, but in the long run, they're still who they are." You don't shut the mouths of softball girls by making a stink about it, perhaps sounding just as softball girlish yourself in whingeing. You shut those mouths by keeping them down, holding them scoreless, pitching a gem. Not by giving up five walks and hitting two Nats in the process in pitching one of the uglier games this side of Oliver Perez. Last hurrah? Figueroa appears to have shot...

Carlos Beltran's heating up, heating up, heating up. Carlos Beltran's heating up, Go Pink Metsies... (sung to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down Next Mother's Day why don't they have the team wear Pink Uniforms and little bows in their hair? Sweet jesus, where is the sexist outrage in having a single colour represent one half of the human sexes? Why not make everyone where inflatable breasts instead? At least THAT would be a little more relevant. Two run homer, RBI double, 8 RBIs in his last three games. All would conspire to have us believe that after taking the month of April off, Carlos Beltran might finally be reviving his thus far humiliating campaign which commenced this season with an uncharacteristic outburst about the Mets being the team to beat this Spring. Considering that the offence to date has consisted primarily of Ryan Church with the occasional David Wright and Angel Pagan thrown in, this is indeed, an encouraging sign. If we were feeling ...

So, you've got a doubleheader against one of the worst teams in the National League, at home and your ace is starting the first game. Sounds like a good recipe for a sweep, doesn't it? Naaaaaaaah. Oliver Perez failed his opportunity to publically criticise "dat focking heelbeelly who kun peech gangs ghe no cang ehsafe..." Oh sure, they won the first game with Johan Santana "earning" his first win at Shea in a Mets kit but not impressively. Santana mucked about for 6 innings as though he was battling a case of the piles, giving up 10 hits and 3 runs, another homer, his 8th of the season which means one every game pitched basically. Fortunately, and even despite an underwhelming showing by both Aaron Heilman , (which we've come to expect and would perhaps be disappointed by if he were to get through a flawless outing once in a while,) and Pedro Feliciano , the Mets were able to pile on enough runs to outscore the Reds. All the non-hitters had hit parade...