Oliver Perez Pitches: This Season's Hit New Comedy

Oh C'mon. We knew all along the Mets were going to lose this game.

They had their excuses premanufactured in some third world sweat shop days before the game even happened.

"C'mong Hermano", Delgado consoles Olly Perez during a low moment
last night. "We dong need dees eshit meng. I gonna tell dem dey trade
us to Peetsburgo for Xavier Nady eng two goats."

Moaning about the schedule change to accommodate television (and thus the billions of hungry Mets fans across the UK), heaped upon a trans-continental flight to beautiful San Francisco to play in "baseball's perfect address" at AT&T Park and then get to play one of the crappiest teams in the NL West this season, well, not sure what there is to moan about here. The lads get paid millions to play a game, they aren't being relegated to the coal mines.

I mean does this sound like Chinese water torture fellas?

But look, they were pointing at this as a loss as early as last week so the idea these hinderances, coupled with the always-dangerous, human self-inflicted wound Oliver Perez taking the mound for his weekly implosion, were going to be overcome in yet another stunning victory to glory was, let's face it, rather absurd.

I didn't hear the 2007 NL East Champion Phillies making any excuses about why they couldn't score a dozen runs last night against the Reds. They just went ahead and won anyway.

I didn't hear the Braves moaning about Smoltz gagging on a save opportunity against the Marlins last night. They just had Yunel Escobar hit a walk-off homer in the 10th to win.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us present to you your 2008 Mets, vacuum packed in an exquisite oil of excuses.

Did you think Oliver Perez could achieve a new lowest low, that it was even humanly possible? Worse than having a hillbilly closer berate him for quitting? We all knew there would be typical Oliver Perez mind blags wherein his focus and control went south but wow, this wasn't even a full inning of work. One batter retired, six runs and a pair of homers over what, 8 batters? I wonder if he was
going for the Tom Glavine Award for shittiest outing by a Mets pitcher for the season. And the brilliant part is, unlike the rest of the team, he didn't even have the excuse of trans-continental fatigue. He flew out to San Francisco a day early. And left 36 pitches later.

If it were me, I'd not have pulled him, fuming, from the mound like Wandering Willie did, wasting a good commodity like Claduio Vargas on a game that was already too far gone to save. Especially not when no one knows many innings Pedro will last Tuesday night before his girlishly fragile frame succumbs to reality again.

So I'm not particularly bemoaning this loss. Everyone expected so much, the Mets should have collectively called in sick last night and voluntarily forfeited the game, just to get the extra rest.


sanchez said...

Look on the BRIGHT SIDE goddamnit!
Oliver Perez is hitting .214 this season - that's a career high for him. Maybe they should move him to first base where Delgado can teach him how to fall asleep in between pitches.

Fungo Fido said...

wow, that was weird, coming here for Mets and then getting distracted by the music. Interesting. Why is Meet the Mets not on the playlist?

Jaap said...

sanchez, that's a lie. Delgado only falls asleep between every OTHER pitch.

perhaps a study could be undertaken. How many pitches does it really take to fall asleep anyway? I say we should ask Willie.

Jaap said...

fungo fido, the truth is, I wrote every one of those songs myself. The Meet the Mets thing, well it was an intellectual property rights dispute that Tom Waits repeatedly refused to settle. I wash my hands of the entire, fetid ordeal.