Cubs Club Maine and Mets, 10-1

I'm beginning to sense a theme here.

Or a pattern in the sounds of the washing machine or something.

They take two of three against the Giants, but a 9-run fifth inning meltdown in the opener causes them the sweep when they lose 9-4.

They take two out of three from the Brewers, but the game they lose sees the Brewers score 8 runs in the final two innings and they get absolutely battered by a 12-3 margin.

And now, after a thrilling walk home walkoff victory to open the series, the Mets get gutted in a six-run sixth inning to lose 10-1.


Souvenirs from Shea last night...

I hate to be graphic, kids. But at times the Mets play like a constipated man who has overdosed on Hydrocil, takes a stroll down the street and then is suddenly so overcome with the need to loosen his bowels he simply drops his pants and takes a huge dump right there, on Main Street, in front of everyone and to everyone's shock and horror.

Relieved, he wipes himself with the kerchief of a shocked and frightened bystander, pulls his pants back up and carries on down the street, whistling to himself with satisfaction, albeit with one eye out for anyone who might lob a brick in his direction or summon the local constabulary, and then goes to work again as if nothing ever happened.


Sign outside Shea Stadium ticket office last night...

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John Maine (5-1) started if off innocuously enough and gave up seven hits and three walks in five innings, though he managed to escape by allowing only three runs.

And now for some more breaking bad news...Maine has now been underwhelming in three consecutive starts. Enough to make you wonder that whatever was baffling batters early in the season is decreasingly effective and perhaps it's time for him to have a session or two with Rick Peterson...

But the man taking the dump on the sidewalk in the middle of Mets Street last night was none other than Scott Schoeneweis, who was also a culprit in that ugly loss to the Brewers, allowing 3 runs in the final 1 1/3 innings that night.


Have I just thrown up in my mouth or was that an accidental dose of Vagicil I just swallowed?

Last night, among other sins, he gave up a spectacular, lunar grand-slam to Aramis Ramirez and ended the night with some hideous numbers: TWO THIRDS of an inning pitched, 3 hits, 2 walks and 5 earned runs surrendered. That's not just taking a shit in the middle of Mets Street, buddy. That's leaving your intestines in that steaming pile, as well.

Ugh.

So what's happening with Scott Schoeneweis? Last two outings: Two full innings pitched, five hits, three walks and eight earned runs surrendered. That's a two-game ERA of 36.00. Ok, it's not infinity but it makes you wonder if Schoeneweiss hasn't forgotten to tell us about a torn rotator cuff he's recently suffered or that the pact with the Devil he signed expired four days ago.

Prior to these last two outings he'd pitched eight games in a row without giving up a run. Is the aura wearing away? Is this cardboard bullpen suddenly wet and collapsing under the pressure of the season?

Ha, blips on the radar, lads. No need to worry.

Just let the Mets keep taking their periodic public dumps so long as they win all the other games in between and frankly, there's nothing to complain about. If you're going to lose, lose big. And then carry on with the business at hand.

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The bald headed Shawn Green, despite his homer, is now proven to be no faster as Alfonso Soriano threw out him out at the plate in the 2nd inning.


Where are you going with those Spock Ears, homer boy?

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Lastly, rather than get worked up into a lather about John Maine's suddenly humanistic approach to pitching or Scott Schoeneweis' rapidly rising ERA, why not hearten ourselves with unfounded rumours that border on delusions of grandeur?

Yup. The guy out there throwing those gem innings of near-perfection against the Mets last night, according to some wishful thinkers, might be a Met before we know it.

Carlos Zambrano, who, we might add is in ongoing negotiations with the Cubs for a new contract, is only their ace. Why would the Cubs want to resign him when they could let him go to the Mets as a free agent. Makes perfect sense.

If you're some haiku-spouting, new-ageistic, cross-legged little baseball tart trying to sell a shitty line of cut-rate, child-slavery manufactured women's baseball apparel, sure. Makes perfect sense.


And after you buy this silky Yankee jersey off my naked back, Mets fans, I've got a free agent ace hurler to sell you...

Carlos Zambrano. Good one.

Can we agree on something? Just one bloody little thing?

Can we not openly fantasize about every goddamned starting pitcher with the potential of a winning record who the Mets face this season?

(Not unless it's Dontrelle Willis, of course...)

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PS: You didn't really think the Braves were going to lose two in a row to the Nats, did you? So say goodbye to first place for another night...
When do the Braves begin the Major League portion of their minor league schedule?